Feature Films For Families: A Bad Movie – Bad Review

film reviews | movies | features | BRWC Feature Films For Families: A Bad Movie - Bad Review

Here’s an idea..  Maybe he should produce a movie about a bunch of adventurous school-kids, and how they all foil the evil schemes of an unscrupulous film studio, prone to run-in’s with the Federal Trade Commision and the massive fines then imposed, and then watch that film repeatedly until the word ‘irony’ gives him nightmares.

Yes, that’s right, FFFF have been up to no good and, through many lawsuits and prosecutions, were revealed to have marketed their films in ways that aren’t entirely kosher, namely cold-calling people on an industrial scale, and essentially attempting to swindle money out of anyone that would answer their phone.

Mr The Third himself has also been seen squirming on the pointy end of some entirely uncorroborated and probably false rumours concerning mistresses and a porn addiction. Although he would never have needed to worry about being such a hypocritical shithead if he had made movies based around these things instead of horses and singing, as I would have funded those movies myself.

But is any of this surprising when he has creepy sex-enthusiast written all over his face?  Also, his hair looks like it’s magnetic, or attached by a Lego stud. He also used the word..


…and he has that general demeanour and vocal creepiness that convince me he is imagining his auto-cue is wearing crotchless panties, or that the camera-woman is a horse.  I’m being mean. Anyway…

Yes, he spent far too much of his time haranguing pensioners and sifting money from their confused brains, but lets get real here. We’ve all definitely heard of far more underhanded methods that producers have employed to fund their films, right? So maybe we should cut him some slack. Okay, maybe not. But things could be worse.

He did at one point mention “The Great Teacher” during his funding pitch in the special features, which is code for Jesus or God, or both, but I am happy to reveal that his obvious bible-love does not feature in his films. Which is good for him, because it would otherwise have just added more heavy objects in to his inflatable arm-bands, and he would have sunk even further in to the swamp of hypocrisy he wades around in.

And plush toys

And plush toys

Which only further convinces me that despite his dodgy promotional methods, and probably untrue rumours that I unfairly pounced upon for this review, he honestly wants to provide the service he claims to want to provide. Namely, making films that aren’t full of sordid muck, and are instead, beacons of wholesomeness.

And after watching (some of) two of his films, I honestly can’t help but be slightly won over by his movies. They really are all good, clean, well made, safe films, and would work just fine as movies a whole family could use to morally correct each other.

Except, instead of referring to what he makes as ‘movies’, he calls them ‘stories on film’, which is so fucking stupid that it reminds me that if the day should ever come when he pulls his head out of his ass, he might just realise he’d be better placed producing snuff movies for the Catholic Church.

At least there’ll be plenty of funding. Score: 4/10

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