Feature Films For Families: A Bad Movie – Bad Review

film reviews | movies | features | BRWC Feature Films For Families: A Bad Movie - Bad Review

As the scene changes, the following line was written by someone who needs two weeks until payday’s worth of ramen noodles poured down their throats…

“Being poor makes people do things they shouldn’t do.”  Oh really?

Well, as a relatively comfortable, emotionally entitled, first-world poor person, and on behalf of those who are way worse off than me, I would like to tell that scriptwriter to go and fuck the nearest cat.

And I should also point out to Ms Rand there that being just one rung above abject poverty allows for people to…donate…to Features Films For Families (more on that later), so eat your own fucking logic once you’re done with those noodles, you conceited prick.

Already, the ever-so enlightened, and very gentle looking down the nose-iness of Rigoletto was beginning to make an enemy of me, and Dr Condescension up there did not help matters with his class warfare and sneering attitude towards the financially underwhelmed. So it would be safe to say, at this point anyway (which was five minutes in to the film), that Rigoletto was having not quite the intended effect.

As things continue we see some children taunting a pig, which doesn’t go down well with the pigs husband.  And yes, everything is dungarees and doilies (the past).

The bucktooth pig-fancier, who lives in a literal shed, almost vomits in to a scarf when he finds out a small black child ate his favourite pig for Christmas. During my confusion, I realise it’s 20 minutes in and I have yet to feel good about myself, or be behaviourally corrected.

The mother of the girl from earlier, who has just been evicted from her house, visits her landlord, and has it explicitly implied by the landlord’s butler that if she walks past a certain carpet she will be killed.  She finds herself in the company of a disfigured, Tommy Wiseau vampire who then tries to solicit sex from her under-age daughter, in exchange for her not becoming homeless. It’s all very Dickensian.

Complete with air of mystery...oooohhh!

Complete with air of mystery…oooohhh!

She says no, but the daughter herself decides otherwise. The girl arrives at the landlord’s house, and swelling, Disney-like music accompanies the first throws of child slavery. This scene plays in slow-motion to emphasise how stupid it is.  Plenty of “Ahhhhh!” choir music plays, as the little girl looks with wonder upon her new home (creepy prison).

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