9/ EPISODE II – ATTACK OF THE CLONES. 2002. DIR: GEORGE LUCAS.

I know it’s not everybody’s pick for the worst of the series, but I think that Attack of the Clones is outright unwatchable. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker are assigned to protect senator Padme Amidala from an attempted assassination. When the killer gets away, Anakin is assigned to protect Padme, but ends up falling in love with her; something the Jedi Order forbids. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan searches for the assassin, only to find a planet where a clone army and dark secrets await him.

Star Wars hasn’t always had it good, but this one feels unfinished. It’s almost like we got a first draft written in a week and nothing was changed about it. It is also unpleasant and boring to look at. Not only are the locations and characters fake looking, due to some horrible and massively overused CGI, but they are outright ugly. It’s very red and brown, with occasional grey for the majority of the film. It doesn’t help that, when Lucas isn’t directing a boring action-sequence, he is shooting his scenes in the most basic way possible. Shot-reverse-shot and standing against a green-screen, that is all the actors do in the quiet moments.

How about the writing? What about it, there is nothing I can add to the subject. It’s awful! Nothing makes sense, character-wise or as a basic plot. Who is the main character? I don’t know. The film is so cluttered and messy I couldn’t tell. And, yes, there is the constantly bad and occasionally hilarious dialogue between Portman and Christensen.

On that note, yes Portman is slumming it and yes Christensen is more wooden than the desk I am typing this on. But, to be fair to them both I don’t blame them. Christensen has, after all, done well in other films and Portman is an Academy Award winner for a reason. Besides, when Ewan McGregor, Samuel L Jackson and Christopher Lee are lifeless and visibly miserable, it’s hard to blame the blockbuster newcomers. It’s about the bad script and how everybody was directed.

It’s not all bad, of course. John Williams singlehandedly holds this film up with his fantastic score. Every now and then there’s a cool design or shot. I do find myself enjoying the monsters in the colosseum, until the Jedi arrive and kill the tension. The best scene in the film involves a man asking if Obi-Wan wants to by drugs. That’s about it though, it is pretty dull and terrible throughout. I guess less demanding audiences will like it, I know I did as a kid. But, to sit through the longest film in the series to be rewarded with a Yoda fight-scene – which betrays the entire character and is easily the worst scene in any Star Wars film ever – can you see why I despise it?