7/ EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE. 1999. DIR: GEORGE LUCAS.

Oh, this is always a fun one to talk about. Obi-Wan Kenobi and master Qui-Gon Jinn must save the newly appointed Queen – not how monarchy works but whatever – of the planet Naboo from an evil Trade Federation. The Federation plans to blockade the planet due to…actually, I’m not sure, it’s never explained. Soon the Jedi and Queen find a virgin-born slave boy – really subtle – called Anakin and realise that the Sith, servants of the Dark Side of the Force, have returned.

Talk about too much story and absolutely no character. I couldn’t care less for any of them and the only one who sparks any emotional response from me I wish dead. Maybe the story could save it – but I have no idea what is going on or what the motivations are. The only way I can sum this plot up is that Amazon attacks a planet and some Jedi are involved. It’s too silly for adults to enjoy. It’s also too political for children to enjoy. My confession here is that as a kid I considered this to be one of my favourite films. Not my favourite Star Wars film, but I really liked it. However, looking back, even then I would fast-forward to the action scenes, as I found the rest to be boring.

In the films defence it is nice to look at. Oh, the effects are awful. It has aged horribly! But the designs and the colours are visually interesting, and the worlds are ambitiously done. I do still wish that there was more set and model work done Though this is the most practical instalment of the Prequel Trilogy. The music is lovely. And it does have the benefit of being fascinating in how bad it is.

I would argue that this was an important film. It is the perfect demonstration of hype culture and issue with complete artistic control given to one man. It is quite amusing seeing how the film was at first defended as being good, but is now often considered to be among the worst blockbusters ever made. I’m not innocent of that. There was a time I would have defended this film. But now, I can’t see much of anything to defend here.

Your problems are my problems. It’s too long. The writing is some of the worst I’ve come across for a film this big. The directing is minimal. The acting is atrocious. The plot and characters make no sense. It’s borderline racist with its stereotypes. And Midi Chlorians – need I go on? I would even go as far to say that the action scenes are pants too. The pod-race scene is way, way too long. The Darth Maul fight is too over choreographed as well. I just don’t care for it. It really is just as bad as it is made out to be.