Forget football. Ignore ice hockey. Neglect netball. The greatest sports the world has ever seen have never actually taken place… apart from on the silver screen. In fact, when you think about, the only real difference between sports fans and movie geeks are that the former group worship idols that actually exist. Why not get the best of both worlds by aspiring to excel in one of these fantastic pastimes? Of course, you can’t actually partake in them anywhere, but they sure do look like a whole lot of fun.

5) Baseketball

From the creative nether-regions of Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the malevolent goofs behind South Park and Team America: World Police) comes this haphazard mix of baseball and basketball. Instead of knocking balls out of the park, competitors must progress around the diamond by shooting hoops.

Combining elements of both sports, baseketball contrives to be not quite as good as either, but compensates by including mandatory insults intended to put off the opposing player as they take their free throw shot. Worth the price of entry alone for the impressively offensive trash talk involved.

4) Tron

It’s easy to forget that Tron was a Disney movie since it’s so far-removed from the studio’s normal offerings. As well as serving up great visuals and an insight into what the Dude’s life was like pre-Lebowski, the film also invented some really great sports that have successfully translated into the medium they were always intended: video games.

In all, there are five Tron sports in total: Light Cycles, I/O Tower, Battle Tanks, Discs and MCP Cone. To varying degrees, these all involve shooting around on futuristic vehicles at improbable speeds and blowing people or things up. Immense fun.

3) Pod-racing

While the inaugural Tron Games are not scheduled to take place until some undefined point in the future, pod-racing was the sport of choice long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. What could be safer than fastening a cockpit for one to a pair of immense jet propulsion engines via a pair of flimsy cables and then zipping through an alien terrain at thousands of miles per hour?

Pod-racing might not be winning any awards on the health and safety front, but it sure makes F1 look like Saturday night at the snail races. Just don’t try it at home.

2) Quidditch

Take the three sports mentioned in the intro to this piece (football, ice hockey, netball), add a dash of witchcraft, throw in the power of levitation, remove all forms of penalisation and blend until smooth. Garnish with a Golden Snitch. To see the effect up close and personal, you can take the Harry Potter tour at Warner Bros Studio and learn exactly how they fangled those high-octane scenes in the movie.

Though the rules of this game are slightly complicated (with a total of five balls in play at any one time, and the Snitch being worth so many points as to render all other exploits almost entirely pointless), that hasn’t stopped aficionados across the pond from devising their own set of rules which compensate for the fact that we can’t actually fly.

1) The Hunger Games

Come on now, guys, it’s just a game, it’s not like it’s a matter of death… oh, right. What could be a more important sport than one which finishes with the death of all of your fellow competitors? Like a sadistic version of Cluedo, The Hunger Games ends up with all characters committing various murders in every room of the house and with whatever weapon or blunt implement they can get their hands on.

Though this sport is clearly the most bad-ass of them all, it’s also one we should be thankful doesn’t exist in real life. Cruel despotic regime imposing bloodsports on their downtrodden population? No thank you very much. It does make for some excellent cinema, however.

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