SCENES OF THE CRIME BLOG-A-THON: Burn After Reading

27th January 2013

By Ben.

Remember that quiz show Catchphrase ? I was always frustrated by the bonus screen. Every time a contestant guessed a catch phrase correctly they’d be able to reveal another square of the “bonus catch phrase”. Piece by piece the picture was revealed. Slowly, agonisingly and sometimes hilariously the image came into view. Your average Catchphrase contestant was no genius (if you enjoy screaming at the television, this is the show for you) but these bonus puzzles could be pretty hard. And I have to admit, I’m not sure most of them were even catch phrases at all.

“What’s Mr Chips doing there?”
“Er…Bus ticket?”
“Riiiiiiiight!”

..Wait, what?

Either way, you always knew you’d get it eventually or, if not, the answer would be revealed at the end of the round.

Sometimes films can be like that. Sometimes you’re no more enlightened two-thirds of the way through than you were at the start. You don’t mind, however. You know the pieces will all come together eventually; the puzzle will be revealed. The squares might give you an answer, maybe a question or perhaps just another mystery.

Sometimes though…sometimes you get none of these things. The square fades (I like to imagine it doing so in a glorious 90’s pixelation fashion) and what is it that’s staring back at you from whence it stood? A big fat “LOL”. Yeah that’s right, the film is laughing at you. You might not even notice at the time but later on, or maybe the next day, you’ll think back and shed a small tear as you realise that the mean film laughed at you and you just sat there and took it. Pathetic! What were you thinking?!

I’ll tell you what you were thinking: “Cohen Brothers? All right! Gotta get me some of that!”. Completely forgetting you thought the same thing before carelessly spending two hours of your life watching No Country For Old Men in much the same way as Liverpool spent £20 Million to have “No football for Robbie Keane” playing at every home game. At least Liverpool got some of their investment back though.

Don’t worry, that’s the first and last time I’ll mention the Cohens (and football!). Too many a critic can forget they are reviewing a film and not it’s directors (or their past work)

So the film begins – as you would expect – awkwardly. Osborne Cox, played by John Malkovich, finds out he’s being laid off and proceeds to, for want of a better expression, go loco. Malkovich appears to possess an extraordinary skill; he can remain dull even when shouting and swearing at full volume. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of another actor who can do this. Keanu Reeves might have this skill but let me know when he takes a role that involves more than short mumblings and action sequences.

So we’re forced to listen to Malkovich pronounce “memoirs” annoyingly ( if you’re speaking English, speak English!) and we’re introduced to a few of the other characters.

George Clooney’s character is, at first, irritating. Soon, though, you develop a certain liking of him. Maybe it’s out of pity but he quickly becomes the most interesting person on the screen and remains so for the rest of the film. Clooney really impressed me in this movie as did Brad Pitt. In fact, all in all, it’s a fairly tight set of performances from everyone. Nobody seems to be in their comfort zone, or so you would think, but they all come out looking as if they were made for their roles (or vice versa). Yes, even Mr. Malkovich becomes watchable.

Frances McDormand’s Linda is borderline hateful but I think she teeters just on the right side of likeable. And it is around her that the core plot revolves. She needs plastic surgery you see. And she thinks she’s just landed on Free Parking at Hotel Michael Jackson. She and her dim-witted colleague, Chad (Pitt), happen upon a CD containing Cox’s memoirs which they think is Government secrets. The most hilarious part of the movie soon takes place in which they call the out-of-work CIA analyst and tell him they have his disc. Cue visits to the Russian Embassy, love triangles (or squares, or pentagons; it gets quite complicated!) slapstick gags and general buffoonary all round! It’s not all fun and games though, which you realise towards the end.

That’s the sad thing about this film; it has many funny moments and the over-all plot, with intertwined sub-plots, is interesting and draws you in. The comedy, the sharp screenplay and the fine acting are not enough. Ask a 7-year-old what every story needs and even they will be able to tell you: Beginning, middle, end. Simple. The problem is that somehow, somewhere, the whole thing falls apart. We’re promised so much but by the end of the (disappointingly short) 90-odd minutes we are let down. A quick-fire series of events, shoe-horned-in plot-line closure and then…well…it just ends. There’s no ending but it definitely ends. Those bonus squares are teasingly torn away throughout and you feel the build up to something special (or at the very least funny!). But the last few squares fade and…that’s right: “L.O.L.”. All of them. But they come so quick that before you’ve even realised the film is mocking you it’s too late. You fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. Interesting, developed, high-potential characters are whimsically killed off and the rest go through the motions seemingly for the sake of bringing the story to a termination and no other reason.

You walk away wanting to know two things: “Can I have that hour and a half back, please?” And “Where can I get one of those machines for my basement?”

If you haven’t seen this film I find it difficult to recommend. On the other hand I feel that the superb comedy moments it offers and excellent performances might just be worth it if you can cope with the clumsy climax. Watch if you must but beware!; If you do, make sure Grandma’s out of the room when the final credits role and you say what you see.

5/10

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