Oh God…

25th January 2012

Imagine: you and your two friends have been kidnapped by a religious cult, hell-bent on extracting their own brand of bloody atonement on you. A scenario made real by Kevin Smith in Red State, out now – an explosive, edge of your seat action-horror film about three horny friends whose plans for a foursome go awry when they’re kidnapped by the infamous Five Point Church. Red State is fast-paced, as the remorseless and evil fundamentalists show their barbaric and savage nature, sickeningly redefining the definition of disturbing.

Chances of survival are slim: if the cult has their way, you’re probably going to end up meeting either God or Satan. So here are the top 5 Gods and Satans in film to provide some comfort in what’s to come…

5) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

What science fiction franchise isn’t complete without one film tackling the meaty theological debate of a vengeful God? Thank goodness then for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, which for all intents and purposes shouldn’t have made this list given its universal panning, but has because it prompted William Shatner to ask the time-old question – “What does God need with a starship?”

4) Red State
In the same vein as “He Who Must Not Be Named”, the sheer threat of existence is enough for the folks of the Five Point Church to rain holy Armageddon down on the fearless. The best advice with this God is to back away slowly. Which is why, without even turning up to the party, the God of Red State is at number 4 on the list.

3) Narnia
Let’s make no bones about this: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is the single greatest Christian allegory. And Aslan is the linchpin of the story. Aslan is powerful, gentle, and dangerous; he is wise and compassionate. He sacrifices himself to save Turkish Delight-guzzling Edmund and he rises again in time to save the creatures of Narnia from the tyranny of the White Witch. Aslan is the greatest CGI lion to ever represent God!

2) Bruce Almighty
There isn’t a soul on earth who hasn’t declared at one point or another “Morgan Freeman is God!” Well then, thank Morgan Freeman that someone had the good sense to cast him in a role the man was clearly born to play. While Freeman’s God is a touch thin-skinned at times, his natural qualities of compassion, patience and love are enough to win Freeman a place on this most prestigious of lists.

1) Dogma
God is an Earth Mother, a woman, a wearer of flowing pre-Raphaelite smocks and metallic puffball skirts with equal panache. God wails incoherently. ‘You Oughta Know’ (sorry) that God is, quite obviously, Alanis Morissette.

TOP 5 SATANS IN FILM

5) Bedazzled
If All The Evil In The World and Jessica Rabbit had a lovechild, more likely than not that lovechild would grow up to be Liz Hurley in 2000’s Bedazzled. Femme fatale Hurley presents unlucky-in-life Brendan Fraser with seven wishes in exchange for his soul. Shenanigans ensue.

4) The Omen
As lousy decisions go, accidently adopting the Devil is up there, which is exactly what Gregory Peck does in 1976’s The Omen. Making a mockery of the Terrible Twos, Damien Thorn attracts tragedy wherever he strides, but what else can be expected when you’ve invited the devil incarnate into your home?

3) Rosemary’s Baby
If hell is empty and all the devils are here then they’re probably all residing at Bramford, impregnating Mia Farrow and slipping her tannis root. While we only meet little devil Adrian briefly, Farrow’s craving for raw chicken liver and a series of unfortunate events synonymous with the presence of true evil indicate the horrors that lie ahead.

2) South Park
It’s much easier to gain a reputation than it is to lose one. So imagine how exhausting carrying around the millstone of a mistake you made 2500 years ago can be. Trey Parker’s Satan, in 1999’s South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, is an antihero, misunderstood and desperately trying to find his place in the world. You probably know someone similar. Maybe it’s time we gave Satan a chance?

1) The Devils Advocate
Impeccably dressed and full of flare, Al Pacino takes on ol’ Beelzebub as John Milton, in 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate, with unprecedented levels of charisma. Women want him, men want to be him; Pacino’s model of ultimate evil is the new black.

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