Films I Would Like To See Being Made

13th September 2008

Here is my definitive list of films I would like Hollywoodland to make in the coming years, completely derived from TV shows, adverts and graphic novels that not have yet been plundered for their creative wealth.

Preacher

This epic graphic novel written by Garth Ennis is surely in dire need of a big screen outing ? (That was a pleading question mark in case an ambitious director reads this and is looking for projects.) It has all the darkness of Frank Miller’s work (if not more) and is about four hundred times cleverer (possibly not a word) and they adapt five of his novels a day.

The lovely synopsis is this: an angel and a devil have a bit of sexy time which leads to a religious deviation being born which is immediately captured and locked away by God. It eventually escapes and inhabits the soul of a disgruntled preacher, giving him the power to command anyone to do anything.

i.e –

Preacher: “Fetch me some cheese”

Person: “OK”

The Preacher decides to challenge God to an epic battle after hearing he has deserted heaven and the books document his journey to find him/her/it…. but that is merely the tip of the metaphorical iceberg….subplots include a love story, vampires and a man having sex with a woman fashioned entirely out of hot dog meat. All gold.

Also atheist commentary in films always goes down so well in Hollywood, and it never gets toned down to fit in with the bigoted views of middle America………..(yep check out my satire.) OK this film would have to be British made so it can keep some of its more murky religious aspects and Paddy Constantine could play the Preacher

The Sandman

Surely one of the most famous and genre defying graphic novels like ever (apart from Watchmen I know, but I secretly thought this was better,) Neil Gaiman’s genius story chronicling the life and adventures of the lord of dreaming and his brothers and sisters combining everything from Greek mythology to Shakespearean origins.

Obviously the many threads of the novel would mean it would have to be about six hours long or a trilogy but think of the salivating geeks’ little happy faces. Someone really hot would have to play the Sandman obviously, maybe Ben Barnes because he has nice hair ?

They have adapted a lot of Neil Gaiman’s lesser works in recent times with impressive but flawed results (Mirrormask, Stardust) isn’t it time someone took up this challenge ?

Spaced: The Movie

OK so this is a stupid idea and I know this as I type it, but you can’t erase text so I most continue on this tangent… some might see it as chasing on the coat tails of Sex And The City in the whole from TV show to film inception, but this would be different.

For starters it would not set feminism back fifty years and make me feel guilty for having ovaries, and secondly it would reunite the best comedy pairing in years. Daisy and Tim probably still have that sexual tension, unless they are together from the get go and Billy Connolly is in it as a paedophile priest…..

They would be able to spoof a whole new generation of film, and this time Edgar Wright would have a budget so everything would be shinier and their bedsit would have a bigger TV and Tim would probably make a joke about Lego Star Wars….

The Lost Girls

Have you seen this Graphic Novel by Alan Moore ? I bought it in America without knowing what it was about, without knowing that it was not on sale in the UK because the estate of J M Barrie did not like the depiction of Peter Pan in it as a child fiddler.

Yes it’s that kind of comic book. I thought it was detailing what happened to Wendy from Peter Pan, Alice from the Wonderland and Dorothy from Kansas after the original novels. I did not realise it was just about sex. And how much they had and are now having. This would be funny to adapt, maybe just to be reenacted and put on YouPorn or something instead.

The Magic Step Shoes

These amazing shoes from Clarks and my somewhat uneventful childhood were promoted with this amazing advert which had so much potential for expansion. It had mythology by the bundle depicting a girl escaping from an evil witch into a forest of dreams to open a box, the key to which was on the bottom of your shoes !

You were part of the adventure ! But this premise however left me wanting more, for example why was the box magical ? What was in it ? Was it cheesecake ? Why did the witch not like the girl so much ? Why did she not just go to Clarks and buy the shoes ? In fact maybe I could make up the rest of the story and play it out in my head.

Eldor

Once again this is a slither of a childhood memory, but this was a child’s TV show which scared the very bajesus out of me, and I think it was only on for one season maybe due to it’s very dark nature. Also I may have dreamt it…..

Anyway these posh kids discover a portal in their garden which leads to a land called Eldor in which lots of bad men on horseback live, and they want to break through to our world. The bratty kids do something which leads to the the fragile wall protecting them begin to wear thin, and these scary men with big masks on begin to appear in their garden planning to attack their house.

It is a little bit like The Spiderwick Chronicles or Narnia but without the Jesus stuff or the rubbish CGI, and it had the edge of menace about it that was not present in those films.

And finally …

Carnivale The Movie

This originally HBO series which aired on FX late at night was shown for two series before being cancelled for its high budget and low viewing figures. Visually stunning with a cinematic quality rarely seen in television, it was set during the American Depression in the dust bowl. The series followed the lives of people in a traveling Carnivale around America focusing on Ben, a young man with strange healing qualities.

It also followed a Russian immigrant Preacher with seemingly hypnotic powers and explored the odd connection between the two… it was basically the most slow burning series in the world and it took about eight episodes before you had a inkling of what the main plot was and even then it moved very slowly.

However the pay off was ultimately rewarding with well rounded characters and a suspenseful story line which was speculated on endlessly on the typey box called “The Internet”. It was such a shame it’s themes and ideas could not be fully developed before the series was cancelled and the ending rushed out.

If shortened and kept with the same quality this could be a engaging and beautiful film which explores morality, religion and the supernatural. Think X Men filmed in the same style as There Will Be Blood except there is only two mutants !

Also my brother deleted the very last episode off of Sky+ before I got a chance to watch it so I would like to know what happened, and as we know the multi-billion pound movie industry mostly evolves around my face.

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