Halloween, which I sadly non-celebrated this year (seriously no horror movies, no dressing up, no nothing, save for pigging out on candy, but that’s an everyday thing really) reminded me of something I had forgotten about, something I once loved dearly and still cherish in my heart, but miss, almost like a lost son or daughter… It’s been gone for a long time now, it left a void in me, deep and expansive and I fear it will probably never be filled again. This great thing that was taken from me, leaving only fleeting past visions of awesome spectacle in its wake and more current, often disappointing and disheartening momentary glimpses… this tender, tremulous subject to which I refer is Jamie Lee Curtis.
As most of my regular readers know (all 2 of you) I am one to make light of almost every subject (including the subject at hand), especially things I enjoy and love (hello) but I will be serious for a moment…
Before getting to my silly half truths, non-truths and outright idiocy I just want to say up front that I do truly love and respect Jamie Lee Curtis as an actress and a person (and no, despite the title of this article, she is not ‘dead’.)
Now, with that out of the way…
Jamie was born on November 22nd 1958, to two famous actors [her father would later star in ‘The Manitou’ (the greatest film ever made about a semi-nude, floating Indian, Midget God that shits lasers) and her mother would later star in ‘Night of the Lepus’ (the greatest film ever made about ketchup covered bunnies that like to terrorize miniature towns.)] Jamie Lee lived the first 20 years of her life having testicles in her pussy (Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), fighting aliens with Buck Rogers, crime with Charlie’s Angels and spending an inordinate amount of time with Peter Falk’s glass eye. In 1978 however, Jamie Lee grew tired of being better than everyone else around her and decided to do something about it.
Through sheer force of will she and her pussy balls birthed John Carpenter unto this earth so he could write and direct(the greatest film about William Shatner murdering people ever made) for her to star in. Over the next 3 years Jamie Lee would hone her skills as a thespian and being the person you go to when you need a warm, loveable, funny, ice cold hysterical bitch, by starring in ‘The Fog’, ‘Prom Night’, ‘Terror Train’, ‘Roadgames’ and ‘Halloween II.’ Upon growing tired of evading serial murderers by being awesome, but generally un-comedic and not showing them her breasts, Jamie Lee decided to have a complete change of pace and be marginally less awesome, but VERY funny, while evading Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy (themselves serial murderers, of comedy) and show them her breasts in the 1983 film ‘Trading Places.’
After the massive success of this film and the wealth of acclaim and attention it brought Jamie Lee she decided (ever the non-conformist) to do a bunch of films that are horrible, but she is quite good in. This brought us ‘Love Letters’, ‘Grandview, USA’, ‘Perfect’ (a film solely made to show Jamie Lee’s and John Travolta’s spandex clad genitals trying to commit suicide because of Jermaine Jackson), ‘As Summers Die’, ‘A Man in Love’ and ‘Dominick and Eugene.’
Pictured Above Being Better Than You
Then, in 1988, Jamie Lee grew tired of not gracing mortal eyes with her presence so she starred in ‘A Fish Called Wanda’, John Cleese’s classic tale of animal abuse and misleading titles. After the massive success of that film Jamie Lee teamed up with the equally awesome bitch Kathryn Bigelow to make the film ‘Blue Steel‘ in which a smoking hot Jamie Lee plays a lady cop with a big gun, who has sex with Ron Silver while tracking a serial killer (who happens to be Ron Silver) with Mr. Krabs.
From 1991 until 1997 Jamie Lee decided to bounce back and forth between starring in crap you’ve never heard of (but still being awesome in) and making her two greatest contributions to cinema [1994’s Mother’s Boys (a film in which she is both smoking hot and utterly psychotic, this is all you need to know and all the film is) and also 1994’s True Lies (James Cameron’s second best film and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best performance, also a celluloid love letter to how awesome Jamie Lee Curtis is.)]
Pictured Above Giving Even The Gayest Gay Men Erections
In 1998, after decades of riots and dissidence in the Middle East and parts of Asia, Jamie Lee decided to return to the genre which brought her first acclaim (Horror) and the role she created (‘The Final Girl’) and made Halloween H20. Despite the title, the film has very little to do with murderous, holiday themed water, but is instead one of a spate of post ‘Scream’ meta-horror films in which Joseph Gordon-Levitt is murdered before the opening titles, while someone dressed poorly as someone trying to look like the killer from the first two Halloween films (but supposedly is the original guy) stalks and kills Josh Hartnett (former starrer of movies) and his wise cracking, genre in-joking friends, while Jamie Lee Curtis gets to be (as always) several hundred times better than everyone around her, an insanely wonderful actress and a bad ass bitch.
Flushed with the success of another box office mega-hit Jamie Lee decided once again to screw convention and star in the third worst film of her career, 1999’s ‘Virus.’ A film in which Jamie and William Baldwin team up to stop Donald Sutherland from killing everyone on Earth via outdated Russian technology, after he has turned into a roving, battleship sized Best Buy appliance department. After starring in this film (and turning in an unnecessarily decent performance) Jamie Lee said of Virus “Virus is so bad that it’s shocking… That would be the all time piece of shit…It’s just dreadful… That’s the only good reason to be in bad movies. Then when your friends have bad movies you can say ‘Ahhhh, I’ve got the best one.’ I’m bringing Virus.” thus proving once again, as if further evidence was truly needed, that JLC is the living embodiment of pure, unadulterated excellence.
Pictured Above Murdering Cinema Itself
After being never fully appreciated by the masses she had so long tried to entertain and fulfill Jamie Lee decided to never again grace a decent film with her voluminous talents and to focus solely on starring in films worse than ‘Virus’ and or ones starring Lindsay Lohan (who is in fact a virus.) In the past decade she has proven dedicated to this cause by starring in numerous cinematic turds, including but not limited to, ‘The Tailor of Panama’, the second worst film of her career ‘Halloween: Resurrection’, ‘Christmas With the Kranks’, and the worst film of her career (if not one of the worst ever made) ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua.’
Pictured Above Realizing She Just Starred In Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Will Jamie Lee ever forgive us for not worshiping her en masse as the Goddess Supreme she in fact is and again pleasure our eyes and ears with not only a brilliant performance, but one that isn’t just a shining, solitary spot of wonder, surrounded by a sea of pig vomit? Time seems to be uncertain of this…
I mean for God’s sake this is a woman who beat an addiction to alcohol and pain killers caused by starring in ‘Virus!’ This is a woman who churns out oddly titled, strangely moving Children’s Books while on the crapper each morning! This is the woman who, in 1984, married Christopher Guest so no one else would have to! This is a woman who invented an ingenious attachment for diapers that has never been used because people won’t abide by her wishes and create biodegradable diapers! All of this she has achieved, mind you, while housing the largest recorded pair of testicles INSIDE HER VAGINA! I mean, Jesus wept! This woman needs a statue, a garden built in her name, a house of holiness dedicated to her very existence!
But sadly, we continue to spurn the awe inspiring magisterial beauty that is Jamie Lee Curtis in favor of similarly talented (but not quite as special) bitchy thespians like Meryl Streep, Sigourney Weaver and Susan Sarandon. Is it because of her out-spoken nature? Her icy demeanor? The fact that she has balls? I don’t know, I may never know… All I know for certain is that it saddens me deeply.
Jamie Lee is not sad however. No, in fact, she is happier than ever. For you see, our public shunning of her greatness has allowed her to devote almost all of her time and effort to her life-long love of shit related things. After years of making shitty movies, pioneering the field of diaper mechanics, marrying the director, writer and star of ‘Waiting for Guffman’, and fostering Lindsay Lohan’s career, Jamie Lee now spends her time squandering her prodigious gifts by shilling ‘Activia’ brand yogurt on Television. Activia, for those of you not in the know, is a Yogurt that comes in various flavors and makes you shit more and more regularly.
Jamie Lee Curtis, spawn of acting legends Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh… Jamie Lee Curtis, a woman whose legs alone are more sexy and talented than most women who have ever lived… Jamie Lee Curtis, who starred brilliantly in the iconic hit films Halloween, Trading Places, A Fish Called Wanda and True Lies… Lee Curtis, a true inspiration of a person, a woman and a mother; out spoken, fierce, intelligent, vivacious and talented… This very same Jamie Lee Curtis is going to die, known almost solely to an entire generation as ‘that grey haired, dykey looking lady who wants us to eat yogurt that makes us shit.’
How does that make you feel?
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