Film Review: Shark Night 3D

30th July 2013

By Big Rich.

To call it Shit Night 3D would be too easy, however it would be correct. I’ve never seen such a low rent, under performed medley of utter tripe. From the word go you couldn’t give a monkeys wether these giggling bunch of stereotypes died, got eaten or even just vanished from the film with no explanation. You have, sporty, nerdy, horny, goth, pretty and shy-weirdo-scary eyes-with a past. And they decide that it is a spiffing idea to go off to a posh house party, in the middle of a lake, with no phone signal or internets and weird slightly racist locals. I know right, I was thinking it too. What could possibly go wrong.

So one by one they get eaten. This is where they really let everyone down. You don’t, and I will stand by this, go and see a film called Shark Night 3D for the acting, locations, gritty dialogue, the camera work or the existential storytelling that adds a new spin on the concept that is life as we know it. No, you go to see gore, you go because you want to see limbs being ripped, bitten, gouged and pulled all the way off. I wanted buckets of blood splashed everywhere, but there were none. All we get is one arm off and the rest is all hinted at, all out of shot screams and murky water turning red. Quite frankly I felt cheated. Oh, and if you add 3D to the name of your film, make sure you use it…plums.

Add to this an absurd plot that involves the locals wanting to cash in on the real Shark Nights on the discovery channel. And you have a neat little bag of toss that will just sink to the bottom of every bargain bin from here to Timbuktu. I didn’t hate this film, I just felt cheated. I wanted gore, I wanted another Piranha. I wanted something that wouldn’t be eclipsed by the Date Night (not 3D) that was unfolding itself in front of us in the adjoining seats. In short, don’t bother. Unless your high on Pizza Hut and unlimited Pepsi Max then give it a shot. I ask one thing of you keep your eye on the dog in the film. He is, and I quote from loves young dream in front, the star of the film.

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