Well, what can I say? I was gobsmacked when I put this DVD on and at first I thought I may have been given the wrong DVD. Surely I wouldn’t have been given soft-core pornography to review? It seems I have.
Straight out of 1973 this ‘vampire porn’ film directed by Joseph W Sarno hits you in the face with lashings of lesbian masturbation scenes. All very well if that’s your bag, but I generally like to be eased into this, instead of it being the introduction, middle and also end. The beginning is bizarre, the storyline is absurd and the accents down right laughable. Stilted acting, awkward stares and lots of boobs. Now don’t get me wrong, I like boobs, I’m sure everyone does, however this is based in Germany in what looks like winter time, I doubt beautiful young maidens would be walking around a castle with their wabs on display if it’s -10 degrees outside!
To be honest, in my reviews I always try to put actors names in and also what characters they play, but for this film I don’t think it really matters. All you need to know is that a German Vampire Baroness (who was also a lesbian) was murdered 400 years ago and she is really really pissed about this. Luckily 2 of her ancestors (who also seem to have lesbian tendencies) are on their way to read her will. The housekeeper of the castle and her helpers (all also lesbians) spots the opportunity and sets to work enchanting the pair to resurrect the dead Baroness. Yet it seems to be scuppered when a brother/sister team show up (elements of incest but suprisingly no lesbian tendencies) to try to stop them.
What ensues is absolutely hilarious and can only be described as pornography. The brother has sex with everything that moves (including the dead Baroness who gets resurrected), the sister tries to have sex with the brother but the garlic cross she made brings her to her senses, one of the ancestors turns into the Baroness and people start shoving candles into orifices that probably shouldn’t have candles put there.
I couldn’t help but think that if it had slightly less dialogue and storyline (sparce as it is) it would make a great 70’s soft-core porn film. Or if it had less nudity and more emphasis on storyline it would have made a brilliant vampire thriller. But it was just a bit confused, neither a good porno, or a good film!
Finally, I just can’t take a film seriously if they have candles in the shape of a penis. I’m sorry I just can’t.
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