At some point all of us have given a ‘bad’ gift. It might be the fur jacket you got for your vegan cousin, the experimental novel you got your illiterate nephew, or the leather bondage whip you gave your girlfriend’s mother. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be worse than some of the gifts we’ve seen protagonists receive in films over the years. We’re talking gifts like:
The Mogwai (Gremlins)
Sure, it’s irritatingly adorable, but know what happens if you feed it after midnight? Of course you do: you’ve seen the damn film more times than you’d care to mention. In the best non-Die Hard Christmas movie of all time, a bunch of reptilian gremlins wreak havoc in small town USA; resulting in more death and property damage than sixteen high school Beiber sightings. What possessed someone to ever give a potential death-machine to a bored teenager is never made clear, but the results are predictable, immediate and hilarious.
Chucky (Child’s Play)
It’s your child’s birthday tomorrow, you’re poor as hell and there’s no irresponsible old Asian dude selling cut-price Mogwai. What’s a struggling mom to do? If you said ‘buy a clearly-possessed doll off an equally-creepy hobo’ you should probably re-evaluate those Xmas presents you just splurged on, ‘cause that’s seriously weird. Yet this is exactly what happens in Child’s Play, a B Movie from 1988 with absolutely no redeeming qualities. Unless you get off on dolls voiced by that guy from Two Towers cutting people up, in which case seek help. Now.
A Massive Spoiler (Se7en)
On a list of things you’d rather not get on Christmas morning, your wife’s severed head must be pretty high up the list (before you comment, I honestly don’t care how bad your marriage is). But that’s the thoughtful gift Brad Pitt receives in the closing minutes of David Fincher’s uber-grimy cult movie. John Doe’s murdered her good and proper, the little scamp! Whatever will poor Brad do next? The answer lies outside the remit of your average gift-giving, but seems oddly apposite considering all the pre-Saw grimness that has gone before.
The Box (The Box)
It’s a box with a big red button that, if pushed, will subject you to nearly two whole hours of shoddy filmmaking by the guy who once did Donnie Darko. The central premise of the story posits whether you would – Harry Lime style – condemn a stranger to death for a lump sum of money. What a humdinger, eh? A classic moral quandary; or rather it would be, if the film wasn’t so ashamedly awful. Forget the in-movie box; this film is the worst gift anyone has ever received, ever. Grating, painful to watch and lost in a fog of its own smugness, The Box is what unrepentant paedophiles get sentenced to.
Moriarty’s Phone Number (Sherlock)
From the infinitely abysmal to the unsurpassably classy; we come at last to Sherlock, the BBC’s modernised reboot of Conan Doyle’s classic. In the final episode of series one, sex-on-legs Benedict Cumberbatch gets palmed a phone number by a colleague’s boyfriend in a seemingly clumsy come-on. Dismissing it out of hand, he turns his big sexy intellect back to the big sexy case he’s currently (sexily) working on. Bad move. After tracking the ‘mad bomber’ to an abandoned swimming pool, Sherlock finds himself face-to-face with arch-villain Jim Moriarty, no longer attempting to pass himself off as a lover with severe gay-issues. His sweetly whispered ‘you could have called’ is the perfect icing on a big sexy cake of crotch-drenching sexiness.
Do a better job than these guys with Christmas gifts for him and her from PrezzyBox.com.
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