Well if Alice in Wonderland hadn’t already shown me the whole Tim Burton/Johnny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter match up had lost it’s luster THIS sure as shit did!

WHERE IS MY DYNASTY BY WAY OF TENNESSEE WILLIAMS WITH VAMPIRES?!?!?!

And, why pray tell do all remakes of mostly serious (if infected by the camp inherent in the time of their own making) TV Shows have to be turned into farce? The dull as dishwater Starsky and Hutch, the hideous looking 21 Jump Street, etc.

The only one that worked were the Charlie’s Angels films and well I mean, three hot chicks making quips, sex puns and fighting crime is always gonna be that… Well, cept for that horrendous update they did for TV a little while back… *shudder*

When I heard Tim Burton and Johnny Depp were doing Dark Shadows I said to myself “Finally, they’re going back to doing something dark, brooding and meaningful.” Instead, at least from the trailer, we’re getting a PAINFULLY unfunny, fish out of water comedy that has precious little-to-nothing to do with the original shows dark, quirky, sincere, melodrama and HORROR.

Also, can Johnny act anymore? Same exact voice from Sweeney Todd. 75% Similarity in look and mannerism to his version of Wonka. Are we bored Johnny? $60 Million paychecks not enough to turn out the A-Game for anymore?

And, Tim? TIM! I mean… Why do all your excessively excessively expensive films look so cheap, flat and uninteresting as of late? Hrm? Are you bored too? Making too much money? Spending too much time with the Mouse? Write something original again for gods sake and lay off the glossy sheen.

As with Alice, Helena Bonham Carter LOOKS to be the one thing approaching decency in the film, seeming as if she wandered in from the set of a John Waters movie, but even she seems indifferent to the whole affair on the whole.

Looks like garbage. Sounds like garbage. Appears to have nothing to do with the spirit of Dark Shadows the show… I’m pissed. I thought Tim and Johnny were fans.

What show were they watching… Perfect Strangers?

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