Savage Streets: The Greatest 80’s Film Or The Greatest Film Ever Made?

21st June 2011

Savage Streets (1984)

Starring Linda Blair, John Vernon and Linnea Quigley

Directed By Danny Steinmann

I have a long standing love affair with Linda Blair, in fact she would be my favorite actress were not Sigourney Weaver born (and… a much better actress.) Linda is a strange, mystical creature, born into the world of hardcore, gritty 70’s cinema, but made for the glossy, explosion (and exploitation) heavy, tit-filled, cheesy cinema of the 80’s.

She is not a good actress in the traditional sense of the word. In fact the only two films in her long career in which she acts what I would call “well” are The Exorcist (in which the notoriously hardcore William Friedkin literally beat and abused the performance out of her) and Born Innocent (in which she played a drug addicted, teenage prostitute.) Both of these films were made well before Blair turned 18, meaning that her acting talent as a child far out shown it as an adult. But, what Blair lacks in acting talent she makes up for in Three Unique things: 1. Screen Presence (she is immensely watchable in even the worst shit.) 2. An awkward, electric sense of you don’t know what the hell she might do on screen. 3. Her gigantic, frequently whipped out boobs (and the gusto that comes with them.)

Speaking of Linda Blair and her boobs, this brings me to Savage Streets, not only Linda’s Magnum Opus, but her boobs as well. Not only that, but the film is the single Most 80’s, 80’s movie in existence and in my humble opinion the GREATEST FILM EVER MADE.

Savage Streets tells the story of (giant haired, leg warmer and spandex clad) Brenda (Linda Blair, and her boobs) a gritty, street savvy, High Schooler who leads an all girl gang called The Satins and who takes care of her deaf/mute ballet dancing sister, Heather (Linnea Quigley and NOT her future breast implants.) One day a rival gang of punk, drug selling miscreants (called The Scars) viciously rapes and nearly beats Heather to death, then later they kill Brenda’s pregnant (Hispanic) best friend. After a long sit in the bathtub, thinking and smoking a cigarette (with her boobs out, practically bobbing in time with the hard rockin soundtrack) Brenda slips into a skin tight black cat suit, grabs a crossbow and a few bear traps, then sets out to make mince meat of her enemies (while looking fabulous in the process.).

Also, in addition to all that chuck in several vicious cat fights; including one in the girl’s locker room, wherein everyone is naked, some homo-erotic loving between the oh-so-attractive rapists and such classic lines of dialog as “Go fuck an iceberg.” and “Too bad you’re not double jointed, then you could bend back and kiss your ass goodbye.” And I think you’ll see my point about this being the greatest film in the history of film. It has something for everyone.

If all THAT wasn’t enough the film is exceptionally well paced (with NEVER a dull moment.) It’s shot with a loose, glossy but still kind of gritty stylishness that belay’s it’s most likely low budget. The acting for the most part is quite good (considering the genre) with John Vernon, the Rapists and Linnea Quigley (surprise) all turning in above average performances. The plot and dialog, despite being over the top, is no worse than anything you’d find in a more respectable Dirty Harry film. And then of course it has Linda Blair, with top billing, in all her epic gloriousness, coiffed with enough hairspray and lipstick to cover half of New Jersey, mowing down punks and spouting off crazed one liners like a true woman on a mission. Plus, Linda’s boobies. Did I mention them? (And yes, I am gay. Very gay. But Linda Blair and her boobies make me VERY happy, as they should the whole world.).

10 out of 10 Crossbow Arrows to the Crotch

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