Damien Sage Guest Piece 2 – Shart of Darkness

Shart Of Darkness: A Maker of Ze Films Journal-Diary
(aka My [Dr. Professor Uwe Boll’s] Personal Recollections of ze making of my seminal cinematic masterpiece In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

By Uwe Boll
(as transcribed by Damien Sage)

Introduction:
Hello zer everyone, I am Doctor Professor Uwe Boll, Film Director and OBGYN. You may know me as ze maker of such heralded classics as Far Cry, Postal and BloodRayne III: Warhammer. In honor of my upcoming serious dramatic film about ze horrible genocide in Darfur, titled Darfur, in which I have ze annoying boy from Terminator 2, ze annoying robotic girl from Terminator 3 and Billy Zane star with real refugee and rape victims, re-inacting zer horrible plight… and rapings on ze camera for all to see, I have decided to release my most personal and secret thoughts about ze making of my cinematic film In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Zo, please sit back and enjoy my thoughts on ze making of ze cinema films.



August 15th, 2005:
I woke up early today… Cold grey sunlight and ze smell of death, decay and sorrow all around me. Ze stench filled my nostrils and chilled me to my very soul… Apparently I had fallen asleep ze night before in ze shallow bin zat I keep ze footage from my previous films in… As I took one last look around my film production studio (a 12 foot by 12 foot, 3 walled, no roofed wooden shack on ze outskirts of Hamburg) I decided I should keep zis feeling of dread and despair zat ze day was shoving at me wrapped up in my icy heart. Zis feeling would be my inspiration and motif for ze next project I was to hence forth surmount…

August 18th, 2005:
After tangling myself in ze film reels from Alone in ze Dark and becoming trapped for nearly 3 days, Michael Paré (star of such classics as Eddie and the Cruisers 2 and most of my films), came looking for some money I owed him and freed me from my celluloid bonds… After a brief fist fight and ze promise that I would make a sequel to Streets of Fire for him, I set myself out straight onto ze making of In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale…

August 20th, 2005:
Today was a most good day. I convinced the government of Germany to give me Sixty Million American Dollars to make my film. It was a tough battle as always, but once I told zem zat I would be shooting a half baked, Lord of the Rings knock-off, loosely based on an obscure computer video game no one had ever heard of, with no script or cast yet in place I won zem over easily.

August 21st, 2005:
I spent Fifty Nine Million Nine Hundred Ninety Nine Thousand Dollars of my budget on Romanian whores, cheap Brandy, pixy-sticks and hiring Burt Reynolds to be in ze film. Needless to say, today has been quite productive. Ze script is still not written.

August 22nd, 2005:
Upon awakening from a diabetic coma I zen proceeded to hire several master thespians to round out ze cast of ze film. First I got ze brilliant, classically trained, Shakespearean Method Actor Matthew Lillard (best known for his turn as Lt. Todd ‘Maniac’ Marshall in Wing Commander: Ze Theatrical Film for Theaters) for a major role. I zen fought long and hard for ze gorgeous and talented Leelee Sobieski (mostly because I just enjoy saying her name, and she was in a movie about glass houses and such) for a huge role, but not as huge as either ze dungeon or ze King. It was a very good day all and all. We still have no script, but I cannot be bothered with such things at zis time, my soaps are on.

August 24th, 2005:
Last night at a poker game with Guillermo del Toro I won Three Thousand Dollars, a Calculator Watch and Ron Perlman. Instead of making him be my house slave or something as I had intended, I decided to put him in ze film. Apparently he is an actor of much acclaim and would most likely never work in one of my films had I not won him fair and squarzies. I wouldn’t know though, I don’t watch many movies, in fact I’ve never seen one. I have only seen Ron in Linda Hamilton’s seminal 80’s television series “Beauty and ze Beast” (which I own ze full series of on VHS.)

August 27th, 2005:
My associates (Teddy Rumskin and Rainbow Brite) and I have finally nailed down ze remainder of ze cast for ze Dungeon Siege Tale. Zey include: Zat short hairy guy from Ze Living Daylights, Ray Liotta, BloodRayne and a relative unknown named Jason Statham. In a very odd turn, for someone I had never heard of before, Statham demanded that he have practically no lines of dialog and a one word name that will never be spoken in ze film…. Naturally I decided to give him ze lead role… On a side note, I found a crumpled up napkin zat had a coffee stain on it… we vil be using zis as a script until one is written.

August 28th, 2005:
I gathered my cast and crew in ze abandoned parking lot behind Denny’s in Dusseldorf to begin shooting ze film.

November 1st, 2005:
We shot for nearly two months straight. Ze footage we ver getting vas gorgeous, breathtaking in scope in fact. Ze film was turning out to be ze ultimate meditation on life, death and ze metaphysical realm in between. It vas painstaking work, I was very meticulous. Much like Richard Donner whilest filming of ze Superman: Ze Movie I reminded everyone zat we were making history here, to respect ze material and above all else to keep verisimilitude in zere hearts. I believe zat everyone did as I told zem as all shooting went smoothly. We only had one rough patch and zat was when Burt Reynolds suddenly realized zat he went from starring in Deliverence to zis and tried to commit hari-kari with a styrofoam prop sword. I prevented zis naturally with my cool wit, quick tongue and all encompassing maniless and we proceeded with shooting as planned…. It wasn’t until I had sent everyone home zat I realized zat I left the lens cap on ze camera throughout all of ze shooting…. We still had no script….

Three Hours Later:
I called everyone back and shot ze entire film over in a gas station bathroom by ze highway.

One Hour Later:
Having performed all post production work on ze film myself I zen dug a hole in ze backyard, threw the complete film into it unprotected and covered it with a thin layer of peat moss. Zer I shall let In ze Name of ze King ferment for three years as I do all of my films, before I unleash it to my adoring public.

January 11th, 2008:
Ze film has been released to much acclaim and celebration. Zer is talk zat it may even sweep zis years Oscars Awards. I have already begun plans for a sequel which will bring back all of ze original cast, even those whose characters died and pit zem against the ze salty sea captain from House of ze Dead and ze creatures from Dig-Dug. We don’t have a script yet, but I shall move forward anyways.

Epilogue:
I vil never forget my time makings ze film In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale… It was a harrowing ordeal for me, many lives were lost. I found love and happiness… and also trolled ze greatest depths of sorrow and pain my life had ever known. Ze final film is my ultimate masterpiece and I must find someway of dealing with zat and moving on. To find new and bigger goals for myself. Perhaps I will finally surmount a cinematic adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic story Zombie Massacre… Perhaps I vil finally get to work with Luke Perry and Lauren Holly… Who can say?

In ze Name of ze King was but a sliver of time in the grand scheme of things… a shart if you will… like a small shart of glass, broken in time, forever glimmering in ze moment of it’s creation…. But for me… it will always be a shart of darkness….

Sincerely Wit Love,
Uwe

© BRWC 2010.


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Alton loves film. He is founder and Editor In Chief of BRWC.  Some of the films he loves are Rear Window, Superman 2, The Man With The Two Brains, Clockwise, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Trading Places, Stir Crazy and Punch-Drunk Love.

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