film reviews, interviews, features | BRWC

Author: BRWC

  • Shart of Darkness

    Shart of Darkness

    Shart Of Darkness: A Maker of Ze Films Journal-Diary
    (aka My [Dr. Professor Uwe Boll’s] Personal Recollections of ze making of my seminal cinematic masterpiece In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

    By Uwe Boll
    (as transcribed by Damien Sage)

    Introduction:
    Hello zer everyone, I am Doctor Professor Uwe Boll, Film Director and OBGYN. You may know me as ze maker of such heralded classics as Far Cry, Postal and BloodRayne III: Warhammer. In honor of my upcoming serious dramatic film about ze horrible genocide in Darfur, titled Darfur, in which I have ze annoying boy from Terminator 2, ze annoying robotic girl from Terminator 3 and Billy Zane star with real refugee and rape victims, re-inacting zer horrible plight… and rapings on ze camera for all to see, I have decided to release my most personal and secret thoughts about ze making of my cinematic film In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Zo, please sit back and enjoy my thoughts on ze making of ze cinema films.

    August 15th, 2005:
    I woke up early today… Cold grey sunlight and ze smell of death, decay and sorrow all around me. Ze stench filled my nostrils and chilled me to my very soul… Apparently I had fallen asleep ze night before in ze shallow bin zat I keep ze footage from my previous films in… As I took one last look around my film production studio (a 12 foot by 12 foot, 3 walled, no roofed wooden shack on ze outskirts of Hamburg) I decided I should keep zis feeling of dread and despair zat ze day was shoving at me wrapped up in my icy heart. Zis feeling would be my inspiration and motif for ze next project I was to hence forth surmount…

    August 18th, 2005:
    After tangling myself in ze film reels from Alone in ze Dark and becoming trapped for nearly 3 days, Michael Paré (star of such classics as Eddie and the Cruisers 2 and most of my films), came looking for some money I owed him and freed me from my celluloid bonds… After a brief fist fight and ze promise that I would make a sequel to Streets of Fire for him, I set myself out straight onto ze making of In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale…

    August 20th, 2005:
    Today was a most good day. I convinced the government of Germany to give me Sixty Million American Dollars to make my film. It was a tough battle as always, but once I told zem zat I would be shooting a half baked, Lord of the Rings knock-off, loosely based on an obscure computer video game no one had ever heard of, with no script or cast yet in place I won zem over easily.

    August 21st, 2005:
    I spent Fifty Nine Million Nine Hundred Ninety Nine Thousand Dollars of my budget on Romanian whores, cheap Brandy, pixy-sticks and hiring Burt Reynolds to be in ze film. Needless to say, today has been quite productive. Ze script is still not written.

    August 22nd, 2005:
    Upon awakening from a diabetic coma I zen proceeded to hire several master thespians to round out ze cast of ze film. First I got ze brilliant, classically trained, Shakespearean Method Actor Matthew Lillard (best known for his turn as Lt. Todd ‘Maniac’ Marshall in Wing Commander: Ze Theatrical Film for Theaters) for a major role. I zen fought long and hard for ze gorgeous and talented Leelee Sobieski (mostly because I just enjoy saying her name, and she was in a movie about glass houses and such) for a huge role, but not as huge as either ze dungeon or ze King. It was a very good day all and all. We still have no script, but I cannot be bothered with such things at zis time, my soaps are on.

    August 24th, 2005:
    Last night at a poker game with Guillermo del Toro I won Three Thousand Dollars, a Calculator Watch and Ron Perlman. Instead of making him be my house slave or something as I had intended, I decided to put him in ze film. Apparently he is an actor of much acclaim and would most likely never work in one of my films had I not won him fair and squarzies. I wouldn’t know though, I don’t watch many movies, in fact I’ve never seen one. I have only seen Ron in Linda Hamilton’s seminal 80’s television series “Beauty and ze Beast” (which I own ze full series of on VHS.)

    August 27th, 2005:
    My associates (Teddy Rumskin and Rainbow Brite) and I have finally nailed down ze remainder of ze cast for ze Dungeon Siege Tale. Zey include: Zat short hairy guy from Ze Living Daylights, Ray Liotta, BloodRayne and a relative unknown named Jason Statham. In a very odd turn, for someone I had never heard of before, Statham demanded that he have practically no lines of dialog and a one word name that will never be spoken in ze film…. Naturally I decided to give him ze lead role… On a side note, I found a crumpled up napkin zat had a coffee stain on it… we vil be using zis as a script until one is written.

    August 28th, 2005:
    I gathered my cast and crew in ze abandoned parking lot behind Denny’s in Dusseldorf to begin shooting ze film.

    November 1st, 2005:
    We shot for nearly two months straight. Ze footage we ver getting vas gorgeous, breathtaking in scope in fact. Ze film was turning out to be ze ultimate meditation on life, death and ze metaphysical realm in between. Ingmar Bergman vould haff been proud uff me.

    It vas painstaking work, I was very meticulous. Much like Richard Donner whilest filming of ze Superman: Ze Movie I reminded everyone zat we were making history here, to respect ze material and above all else to keep verisimilitude in zere hearts. I believe zat everyone did as I told zem as all shooting went smoothly. We only had one rough patch and zat was when Burt Reynolds suddenly realized zat he went from starring in Deliverence to zis and tried to commit hari-kari by choking himself bit a styrofoam prop sword. I prevented zis naturally with my cool wit, quick tongue and all encompassing maniless and we proceeded with shooting as planned…. It wasn’t until I had sent everyone home zat I realized zat I left the lens cap on ze camera throughout all of ze shooting…. We still had no script….

    Three Hours Later:
    I called everyone back and shot ze entire film over in a gas station bathroom by ze highway.

    One Hour Later:
    Having performed all post production work on ze film myself I zen dug a hole in ze backyard, threw the complete film into it unprotected and covered it with a thin layer of peat moss. Zer I shall let In ze Name of ze King ferment for three years as I do all of my films, before I unleash it to my adoring public.

    January 11th, 2008:
    Ze film has been released to much acclaim and celebration. Zer is talk zat it may even sweep zis years Oscars Awards. I have already begun plans for a sequel which will bring back all of ze original cast, even those whose characters died and pit zem against the ze salty sea captain from House of ze Dead and ze creatures from Dig-Dug. We don’t have a script yet, but I shall move forward anyways.

    Epilogue:
    I vil never forget my time makings ze film In ze Name of ze King: A Dungeon Siege Tale… It was a harrowing ordeal for me, many lives were lost. I found love and happiness… and also trolled ze greatest depths of sorrow and pain my life had ever known. Ze final film is my ultimate masterpiece and I must find someway of dealing with zat and moving on. To find new and bigger goals for myself. Perhaps I will finally surmount a cinematic adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic story Zombie Massacre… Perhaps I vil finally get to work with Luke Perry and Lauren Holly… Who can say?

    In ze Name of ze King was but a sliver of time in the grand scheme of things… a shart if you will… like a small shart of glass, broken in time, forever glimmering in ze moment of it’s creation…. But for me… it will always be a shart of darkness….

    Sincerely Wit Love,
    Uwe

  • Megaforce (1982)- A Mega Review!

    Megaforce (1982)- A Mega Review!

    As not only a filmmaker, but a film fan, I love a good movie, a classic movie, if you will. But does a movie have to be good for it to be a classic?  (We all know the answer to this question, a resounding ‘no’, but hear me out, if you will.)

    Once Upon a Time in the West is my favorite film, it has an epic and organic beauty, unique cinematic language, operatic story, brilliantly crafted characters and an equally grandiose score. Once Upon a Time in the West is pure technicolor, cinematic bliss, that should be studied and loved for ages. It is what you would call a “good, classic film.”

    There are of course many other great films that I love. Well made, well written, well acted and just generally great films are awesome to watch. But, the fact of the matter is, there are more bad films than there are good ones. There are more utterly stupid films than there are intelligent ones. For every “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Seven Samurai”, or “Wrath of Kahn” there are a dozen films like “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”, “Year One” or anything by Michael Bay.

    Now here comes the tricky part. Sometimes there is a bad film, or a dumb film, that is SO bad or SO dumb that it becomes good, or even great. Sometimes the wealth of awfulness to be had in this one film is enough to make it become a “classic film” or a “cult classic”, if you prefer. MOST cult classics are knowingly bad. The films tongues are clamped firmly in their cheeks and being played for over the toppness by both the people in front of and behind the camera. Sometimes this isn’t the case, say with “Mommie Dearest.” But for the most part, films that become cult classics revel in their cheesy goodness and are paid back for it in spades (after many years of failure and degradation.)

    And that brings me to the subject of this review, the seminal cinematic masterpiece of 1982, Megaforce. The film is directed by famed auteur Hal Needham, of “Smokey and the Bandit” and “Cannibal Run” acclaim. The film stars Barry Bostwick of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, Michael “Xanadu” Beck, Persis Khambatta aka “that bald chick from Star Trek the Motion Picture”, Edward Mulhare of Knight Rider fame AND Henry Silva, aka every bad guy from EVERY movie in the 80’s.

    The plot of the film really isn’t worth mentioning, as I’ve watched the movie about 20 times and can’t say for sure what it is. I will tell you that it involves a group of attractive, manly men, who like to wear skin tight silver jumpsuits and ride armored dirt bikes.  They all also have lovely feathered hair and an abundance of brotherly love and respect for one another. OH and they are all members of an elite, world funded, top secret, pseudo-military fighting team, called Megaforce.

    The Megaforce is called into situations when other people just can’t get the job done or national politics wont allow action to be taken. And that is what they do in this film. Some small, insignificant, third world republic (the fictional nation of Gamibia) is threatened by a villain and Megaforce is sent in to kick pseudo-commie ass. All with hair flying and rockets blazing of course. There are a few twists thrown at them along the way, such as being forced to have a woman join their team. Despite this woman being a navy seal or something, they do thoroughly humiliate and test her to her limits (which she passes with flying colors) before they then…. don’t let her come on the mission. Oh, and the bad guy used to be the leader of Megaforce’s (Captain Ace Hunter) roommate.

    You see? I just can’t spell out in clear terms just what the movie is about, there’s a lot of stuff going on, most of it unimportant. But this movie doesn’t need a plot, it knows what you want and gives it to you by the spandex suit full. It throws cheesy special effects, hammy acting, missile firing dirtbikes, rampant misogyny and cornball dialog out a pace so dizzying even Dario Argento wouldn’t be able to keep up!

    And Megaforce never lets it’s whacked out badness go soft either; from it’s written AND narrated opening screen, to its blooper filled, Ace Frehley scored end titles, Megaforce is packed to the rafters with so much cheddar you’ll need a quadruple bypass once done with it.

    Once Upon a Time in the West may be my favorite good film, but Megaforce is my favorite bad film. If you’re a fan of dumb 80’s action films, the original G.I. Joe cartoon show… or if you’re a gay nerd, Megaforce will be like candy to you. But really, all this brings to mind is the Megaforce credo:
    “Deeds, not words.”

    Megaforce the Film certainly throws enough weird and retarded cinematic deeds onto the screen, that my words truly cannot do it justice.

    Hunt down a VHS of it NOW (as it isn’t on DVD yet.) Pop it in, then sit back, send your brain away and let the campy, over the top, surreality of Megaforce wrap you up in shimmering silver spandex.

    Megaforce, a Film by Hal Needham- 10 out of 10 pastel blue headbands.

     

     

     

     

  • Last Joker Ever?

    Last Joker Ever?

    By Maverick.

    Hey everyone,

    I know The Dark Knight was months ago and Heath Ledger died over a year ago, but recently I was late night interwebbing and came across an interesting site, linked from here, TheUltimateJoker.com has thousands of Heath Ledger fans signing a petition to take to Warner Bros. to have The Joker withdrawn from all subsequent Batman and presumably Justice League films (if they ever get made).

    Now I’m a huge fan of what Ledger did, I think it was unreal, but I thought the same when I saw Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton’s Batman. Both versions of the character will live forever in movie history. But personally I don’t think the character of The Joker should die with Ledger because The Joker is the best, most notorious and fun of Batman’s enemies.

    The Crow wasn’t dropped when Brandon Lee tragically died, there were another 3 films and a TVseries, yet no-one, in my opinion, bettered Lee. I don’t know if anyone could top what Heath Ledger did, but someone could put a new spin on The Joker that could be just as good, or perhaps he will never be out done.

    For the next decade, however, I do think The Joker should remain in Arkham, or wherever writers decide to put him.

    It’s a subject that I have been in two minds about since he died. Ledger was one of my favourite actors since I saw him in 10 Things I Hate About You back in high school, I don’t want him forgotten or for someone else to try and bastardize his vision of The Joker. Yet The Joker was one of the first characters I remember dressing as after I saw Batman in primary school, I love the character, even Cesar Romero’s version I watched in the summer holidays.

    Anywho, I won’t be signing up, but go see for yourself and if you do feel Heath Ledger should be the last Joker, you can sign up to the website here.

  • The Dark Knight – Gardner’s Take

    Hello, and welcome to battleroyalewithcheese – the blog about films and that. We hope to provide you people with news, interviews, gossip, podcasts and anything regarding film.

    We’re still sorting it all out behind the scenes (Ant and Dave, two of the BRWC team, are incredibly lazy – c’mon boys) but we think it’ll be good fun and will run smoothly.

    Anyway, below is Gardner’s (another BRWC member) bracket-happy take on a little known film called The Dark Knight.

    WARNING – MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD

    The voice certainly threatened to derail the film. The best way I could reconcile it was by looking at Bale’s performance as one of a man who is constantly acting, whether it is as Batman, or Bruce Wayne: International Playboy, or Chairman of the Board. The Young Master Bruce persona he had around Alfred seemed to be the closest to the “real” Bruce Wayne, but the wild shifts in tone, and the implausibility of his Batvoice (like a Coors Beer commercial) pointed to a very insincere character, especially when surrounded by astonishingly sincere characters like Rachel, Harvey Dent, Commissioner Gordon and the Joker.

    And I say the Joker was sincere because of the astonishing conviction that the tragically late Heath Ledger put into the performance and I took at face value his speech to Harvey in the hospital (Chaos is Fair). The Joker arrives in (is created by ?) a Gotham where the vigilante morality of the Batman is butting heads with the organised criminality of the mob in a nice old fashioned good vs. evil and the Joker’s “plan” as such is call bullshit on all of it. He doesn’t help and then take over the mob for their money or power, he wants to solve all their problems (get back the money and the star witness) then burn it all in a big pile in front of them to show up the pointlessness of their greedy dreams. He doesn’t want to kill the Batman, he just wants to let him in on the joke (see Alan Moore and Brian Bolland’s graphic novel The Killing Joke). It’s no surprise that the pivotal scene between the two takes place in the mirrored interrogation cell (which I understand was the first day of shooting for the two actors).

    And when the Joker describes himself as an agent of Chaos you have to take him at (two) face value and acknowledge that the Joker is not an “evil genius” who schemes and plans everything in advance, but as a true agent of chaos is the master of improvisation (not least in his constant reinvention of his origin story). His command of the mob merely facilitates this (planting bombs, making hits, etc at short notice). Foiled in his attempt to kill Dent, (which in itself is only part of his plan to unmask the Batman/take over the mob), he adapts and invents a grander scheme to force The Batman and Gordon to make a Sophie’s Choice (of which there are a few) between saving Dent and Rachel (which is another cover for busting the accountant out of jail), then uses the chaotic result (Dent’s transformation into Two-Face) to lecture Batman on the corruptibility of man. Even then this is part of a two pronged argument with the bombs in the boat. One of my favourite choices the script makes is to avoid a simple Batman knockdown defeat the Joker and let the prisoners (brilliant Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister cameo) and passengers decisions to toss away the triggers provide the coup de grace to his argument.

    So in terms of “at which point” I think the point is its impossible to judge. In fact the multiplicity of schemes (and their constant adaptability and flux) is what gives the film its core. How does one, practically and morally, combat the forces of chaos ? Pretend to your wife that you’re dead ? Use surveillance so sophisticated that everyone’s privacy is at risk ? Toss a coin ? I liked the little bit of forensics with the bullet fingerprint, not least because I didn’t get what the f**k this had to do with catching the Joker, until I accepted it as a sly dig at CSI TV shows, their moral vacuity and lack of real drama.

    I was taken aback by the opening sequence, completely not what I was expecting but on reflection rich with loaded imagery and a perfect signpost for what’s in store. A seemingly mundane aerial sweep through a very naturistically shot New York, then the sudden shattering of the mirrored window and the dizzying IMAX overhead glide to the bank rooftop. Those clown masks conjure up a gazillion films, not least the Burton Batman (was it the second one with the clowns on motorcycles ?), but the one that leapt out for me was Stanley Kubrick’s 1956 heist classic The Killing. In fact the brutally neat domino of executions seemed like a ruthlessly modern update of the fate of the characters in the earlier film, which must have been a massive influence on Christopher Nolan’s career with its out of chronological order narrative. It also points to what I didn’t expect: this is a proper thriller, an examination of character through extreme events, told stylishly and performed with conviction. And then you get to the bank and who’s that in the bank ? William bloody Fichtner! And I could write another three paragraphs on the influence of Micheal Mann’s Heat, but I won’t bother. And when the bank job is done, just show your face to point up the pointlessness of secrecy and killings of the previous 5 minutes and join a queue of school buses, indistinguishable from the innocent.

    A couple of niggles: the Two Face CGI, while faithful to the comics and a vast improvement on the Tommy Lee Jones makeup, was so disgusting it distracted a little from Aaron Eckhart’s performance (which was otherwise brilliant – charismatic, noble, heroic) and didn’t allow the actor to properly sell Harvey’s fall from grace. And why the half burned suit ? A uncharacteristically premeditated pantomime gesture from a character driver by rage and loss, particularly in relation to the added symbolism given to the scarred half of the coin, which I thought was genius.

    Second niggle: Rachel’s death. There’s a comics term currently in use, I don’t know if you’re familiar with it: “Girlfriend in the Refrigerator”, which comes from the particularly gruesome fate of a girlfriend of Green Lantern in his comic series a few years ago. The phrase became synonymous with the blatant offing a supporting cast member (invariably female) in order to generate some emotional turmoil for the (invariably male) protagonist. Now, the female in peril shtick is as old as the hills, and I don’t mind the script decision to take that further (not least to play with audience expectation at a pivotal moment), but I did feel all the wonderful work Maggie Gyllenhaal put in (missing Katie Holmes anyone ?) was wasted in the service of yet more male angst. Here’s hoping Detective Montoya and Catwoman put an appearance in the next film (vs. the Riddler filtered through the Saw movies perhaps ?) to redress the balance a bit.

    I dunno. What did you think?

    © BRWC 2010.