Author: BRWC

I remember a time when big budget “blockbusters” featuring copious amounts of special effects could be good films, do you? It wasn’t THAT long ago, just around 20-25 years… I suppose during the time period that Hollywood is currently mining for it’s remake-a-palooza.

Coincidentally, it was while revisiting the original Clash of the Titans (recently remade IN 3D!!!!!!) yesterday I was inspired to write this article. The 1981 film’s effects ARE incredibly dated today, BUT the film has a personality (and considerable acting talent) to it that makes you easily look past it’s production aspects and focus just on the film.

One of the set piece scenes, The Medusa Sequence, really made me take notice (when I was a child and now.) The Medusa, rendered with gorgeous Ray Harryhausen stop motion, is obviously fake, but it’s still more real than anything CGI can create today. But The Medusa her self is not what I wanted to mention… It’s the suspense. Perseus evading, pursuing and eventually killing The Medusa in her dimly lit catacombs is a tense bit of cinema. It’s well shot and paced, there is a real sense of drama to it all and above all else it is SUSPENSEFUL.

I have not seen the new version of the film, just the trailer but I can almost guarantee there isn’t a single moment (much less a sustained sequence) that packs any real dramatic punch or truly edge of your seat suspense.

And, that unfortunately seems to be the case with most “tent pole” films made today. They’re plotted in the fluffiest manner possible. The dialog and acting are flat. And, in the end, all that takes a back seat to the glossy, highly un-realistic, yet hyper-detailed CGI thrown at the screen for two hours anyways. It’s what I call the “wood chipper effect.” Most films today (2012, Transformers, Clash of the Titans 2.0, etc) just seem like a bunch of elements have been thrown into a wood chipper aimed at an HD camera, with some reaction shots from actors cut in and scored bombastically.

Sure the movies make a lot of money (but really, making $300 million on a $200 million budget isn’t THAT big of an accomplishment), but they’re soul less. Now, I do not HATE CGI like some people. I think when used properly, mixed with good story telling/acting foremost and practical effects, CGI can be a wonderful tool. Take Terminator 2: Judgement Day for example, one of the first major “big time” uses of CGI. It’s still talked about today and the film is considered a classic; but not wholly because of the effects, because it’s a great film on it’s own.

On that note I am now going to lapse into a list of my favorite Special Effects heavy films and or Special Effects heavy film moments. And of course, they aren’t my favorites for the effects alone, but for being wonderful films on their own…

Superman- The Movie (1978)
Directed By Richard Donner

Screw Tim Burton’s Batman (which I love) and the current incarnations of the caped crusader (which I tolerate.) Screw Spidermans 1-3, screw Iron Man… Superman- The Movie is THE greatest superhero film ever made AND in my humble opinion the greatest Special Effects film ever made. Not because of how amazing the effects are (and they ARE amazing, 95% of the shots hold up perfectly today) but because of how epic, beautiful and emotionally brilliant the film is.

The opening of the film, the destruction of Krypton and Jor-El sending his only Son, Kal-El, off to Earth are searing, poignant and painful. It’s a deadly serious beginning that could never be made today. And SECONDARY to the plot, the effects are stunning, iconic and flawless.

The rest of the film, Kal-El being found by the Kent family, being teased through high school, growing into Clark Kent, discovering his super-heritage and becoming Superman, are all touching, moving and serious. With brilliant performances from REAL actors highlighting dialog that COULD become total camp in lesser hands, and lending both gravitas and a subtle sense of humor to the proceedings.

Throughout the brilliant performances and well paced, tightly plotted story, we get tons of special effects scenes, all integral and all expertly rendered. The poster for the film promised that “You will believe a man can fly…” And you do. Christopher Reeve as Clark Kent/Superman sells it and owns it. There is never a moment when you think that he is human and doubt that he can soar up into the clouds and save us all. The wire work, rear/fore screen projection and practical effects used to make Superman come to life are superb and haven’t been matched to this day.

And it isn’t because you don’t know it’s fake (you do know, it’s a movie), it’s because the film and actors in it are so good you BELIEVE in it and them.

Vertigo (1958)
Directed By Alfred Hitchcock

Hitchcock was always a director on the cutting edge of the medium’s technology. Using (sometimes creating) advances in camerawork, editing and yes, special effects to heighten and enhance many of his masterworks. From the iconic crop duster sequence in “North By Northwest” to the hoards of attacking birds, in “The Birds”, Hitch always stayed ahead of everyone else and made the most of his films for it. Of course he never let the effects over shadow the plot or performances.

My favorite Hitchcock “effects” movie is “Vertigo.” It is a haunting love affair between emotionally unstable Detective Scottie Ferguson (played expertly by James Stewart), the mysterious and suicidal Madeline Elster (Kim Novak) and Madeline’s pseudo-double, Judy (also Kim Novak.) The film is ambiguous, dark, psychologically intriguing and brilliantly crafted on all fronts. Also, it really isn’t an effects film in the purest sense of the meaning.

The surreal Saul Bass title sequence is the most effects heavy sequence in the film. The rest of the moments I enjoy are touches that are there solely to enhance the film. From the now famous “Zolly Shot” where by the camera moves backward, but zooms forward, creating a disorienting effect (used heavily to this day.) To Scottie’s delusions, where his disembodied head floats through spirals of light. To the early use of blue screen and compositing used to make people fall to their deaths and create dramatic aerial shots of bell towers and buildings, appear still and crisp, from impossible angles. The effects are flawless, they hold up today and they don’t overpower the film in anyway.

You enjoy Vertigo for the story and the acting, not the effects, even though they are there and they help the film in many subtle ways.

Day of the Dead (1985)
Directed By George A. Romero

A lot of people dislike or dismiss Day of the Dead, but it is in fact my favorite of the Romero “Dead Films”, particularly of the original trilogy. “Night of the Living Dead” (1968) is a classic for good reason. It is an exceedingly well made low budget film, that is truly frightening in a realistic, visceral way. It’s sequel, “Dawn of the Dead” (1978) is bigger, better and more iconic than it’s predecessor, also for good reason. It is a great film, that I too love and cherish. The characters, plot and effects are stunning and memorable. But, Day of the Dead still holds a more special place in my heart.

It is a tale of savage, near hopelessness. It’s set in a world that has presumably been entirely taken over by hoards of flesh eating, undead humans, that can only be stopped by decay or severing their head from their bodies (and even then that isn’t guaranteed.) What we assume are the last surviving humans (some scientists, some military personnel, both distrustful of one another) are held up in an ancient, underground bunker, trying to find a way to stop the Zombie masses on the surface and survive without killing each other first.

The film is tense and on edge, it’s grimy and dark, but in a still stylish way. No, most of the characters aren’t “likable” but they are WHOLLY believable. If YOU were forced into a dirty hole, to escape violent death from un-stoppable, rotting cannibals, I doubt you’d be a ray of sunshine either. It is for this reason that Day of the Dead is very real to me and that’s why I like it so much. In my opinion it is the most accurate portrayal of what would happen IF zombies some how over ran the world… Naturally not just for the plot and acting, but also for the special effects…

And, what special effects they are. The legendary Tom Savini and his cohorts put on the ultimate gore tour-de-force. No stops were pulled and seemingly no expense was spared to make the horrors of a zombie army come to life. From the zombies themselves, all exposed tissue, bone and muscle (all done with REAL practical effects.) To the violent dispatches of the human cast (heads ripped in half, arms lopped off, intestines spilled) the gore and make-up effects are the best the horror genre has ever offered, ESPECIALLY to this day.

The effects and film are an intense, realistic experience, purely visceral and gut-wrenchingly terrifying, give it a chance.

Star Trek The Motion Picture (1979)
Directed By Robert Wise

Much like Day of the Dead, a lot of people hate on Star Trek- The Motion Picture, or “Motion-less Picture” as it is jokingly referred to in some circles, I on the other hand find it to be a brilliant bit of science fiction and a beautiful film.

The Motion Picture, is very much a cerebral experience in terms of the plot. There is little action and lots of dialog. It is very much an “exploration of the unknown” film… A true middle ground between the innocent whole hearted sixties-ness of Original Series Trek and the darker, more philosophical Science Fiction of “2001 A Space Odyssey.” However, some say it’s just a long, boring mish-mash of special effects and reaction shots. And, I can understand this way of thinking, but I don’t agree with it.

The Motion Picture was supposed to be the flip side to Star Wars. A big budget, “thinking man’s” science fiction film. And it is, despite some cliches here and there. Really though, the reason I love this film, unlike the others on my list, isn’t necessarily for it’s plot, it IS for the Special Effects (and score) almost solely. And they are magical. When I watch The Motion Picture I feel like a little kid, every time. I get lost in the epic expanse and beauty of the film.

Early in the film, when Admiral Kirk travels to the re-fitted Enterprise, gaping in wonder at it’s size and beauty, tears welling in his eyes, Jerry Goldsmith’s score blaring triumphantly in the background, I feel like I’m there. I feel a true sense of something indescribably special… That is what the whole film is to me.

The largest section of the film, the travel into the mysterious V-Ger cloud and it’s inner depths, is mystifying in both it’s beauty and it’s depiction of the sensation of experiencing something unknown. The crew of the Enterprise doesn’t know what’s happening any more than the audience does, all they can do is go forth into the darkness and pray they find a way to protect us from the evils that might lie within.

The Motion Picture IS an EXPERIENCE, one you must give into and go with to appreciate. But it is a beautiful journey and the effects have not been surpassed in the 30+ years since it’s release.

Legend (1985)
Directed By Ridley Scott

Before he moved on to exclusively directing gritty, realistic crap, Ridley Scott was a master of the fantasy/sci-fi genre. “Alien” (1979) is a classic film of the genre and the Special Effects subset, as is “Blade Runner” (1982) and I love them both dearly. But Legend, Scott’s last true film in the genre(s), is my favorite of his films and one of my all time favorite films in general.

Plot wise the film is purposefully iconic; essentially the tale of a beautiful princess, saved by a young warrior from the clutches of a great evil. The entire film was shot on sets (creating lavish, expansive forests, more beautiful than anything found in nature) and done entirely in studio, but never once does it not feel like a real place or magical world unto itself.

There aren’t many overt VISUAL effects in the film, the ones that are there are well used and practical, serving to enhance not to weigh down. The reason this film is one of the greatest effects films comes down, not to visual pizzaz, but to two PEOPLE; Make-Up Artist Rob Bottin and actor Tim Curry.

Curry plays the villain of the film, simply called Darkness, and he is the living embodiment of pure evil brought to life onscreen. Tim Curry as Darkness, IS the Devil you always imagined. He’s 12 feet tall, impossibly muscular, red skinned, with giant horns, massive cloven hooves and piercing yellow eyes… But most importantly, he is REAL and there in the world and on the set with the other actors, towering above them and tearing through every scene with menacingly, lustful, relish.

Rob Bottin went all out to make Darkness THE ultimate expression of cinematic evil and his work is flawless. CGI could never create a creature like Darkness. He is alive and breathing, vivid and totally realistic. Darkness is the scariest creature to grace a film of this type. A horrific Disney villain brought to full life before our eyes. However, Bottin’s work would only be half as good if it were anyone other than Tim Curry under the make-up.

For those not familiar with Curry outside of Rocky Horror, he is a brilliant character actor, famous for stealing almost any scene he is in and Darkness is his ultimate work as an actor. Every line of dialog, every inflection, every nuance is pitch perfect. Couple that knowledge with the fact that Curry is covered in POUNDS and POUNDS of make-up and prosthetics, it’s a wonder he can even move, much less enliven all of his moments with a palpable, evil-gravitas. Darkness is a powerhouse character and one that really must be seen to be believed.

Legend is an adult fairy tale, a definite pre-cursor to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, extremely enjoyable in either it’s Theatrical or Director’s Cut.

Star Wars Episode VI Return of the Jedi (1983)
Directed By Richard Marquand

I will start off by saying that “The Empire Strikes Back” (1980) is my favorite Star Wars film, BUT Return of the Jedi is probably the one I’ve watched and enjoyed the most. Aside from the much hated (I don’t mind them) Ewok sequences Return of the Jedi is a dark, ambiguous and emotional film. The opening scenes in Jabba’s dark, foreboding palace, Luke’s search for his father and attempted seduction at the hands of the Emperor and the Rebellion’s final battle against the Empire are emotionally and psychologically well played and exceptionally melodramatic, in a classic sort of way.

And… the special effects of the film are the best in the entire series. Jabba’s palace and the creatures within are a marvel of set/production design merged together with make-up and practical effects. The battle against the Rancor inside the palace and the pit of the Sarlac outside are also an expert combination of compositing, miniatures and on set effects work.

The Death Star sequences of Luke being prodded by Vader and the Emperor to succumb to the dark side, intercut with the battle on the surface of Endor are thrilling examples of great acting and special effects talents coming together for vivid dramatic impact. And, lastly, the final battle in space. The rag-tag rebellion fleet versus the Death Star and a seemingly endless volley of Imperial fighters is suspenseful and visually stunning. THIS is how a space dog fight is supposed to be. You can see everything that is happening, you have moment’s to catch your breath. There is a lot going on, but you are never OVERLOADED by everything (unlike in the prequel trilogy.)

Return of the Jedi is an underrated film, still certainly a sci-fi classic. (Avoid the Special Editions of the original trilogy at all costs, watch the original cuts.)

V for Vendetta (2005)
Directed By James McTiegue

The only fairly modern Special Effects film on my list, is this, V for Vendetta. Having not read the original graphic novels, I cannot complain or compare the screen adaptation to it’s source. But, as a stand alone film, looking at it just for cinematic merit, it is outstanding. The plot is dark, subversive, twisty and suspenseful. The acting, particularly from leads Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman, is brilliant all around, inflecting each moment of the film with the appropriate weight, humor or gravity as required. Nothing, even perpetual scene chewer John Hurt, is TOO over the top. The film is pitch perfect in the plot, story, acting and tone from beginning to end.

This brings me of course to the Special Effects… Aside from one or two CGI shots ever so SLIGHTLY poorly integrated into the film, the effects on the whole are brilliant, especially for a modern film. Once again, nothing is taken TOO over the top or done TOO much. And NEVER at any point do the special effects over shadow the story or the performers, they only serve to enhance the film.

Case in point my favorite effects scene in the film, the destruction of Parliament perfectly synchronized to the 1812 Overture. It is a dramatic scene, emotional and powerful. It’s a seminal moment in the film and it FEELS like it. When I saw it in the theater I was left speechless and stunned, in awe. The first time I’d had that sensation since the next film I’m about to list. It’s a tour-de-force moment and probably the best special effects moment in recent history. AND it was done with very little CGI, mostly model work and practical effects.

V for Vendetta is a powerful modern blockbuster, both in terms of it’s effects and it’s effect.

Jurassic Park (1993)
Directed By Steven Spielberg

Ah, the end of a great era and the beginning of a not so great era. I consider Jurassic Park to be Spielberg’s last gasp of “Spielbergian Magic.” After this he stopped having fun with his movies and started taking himself and his work far too seriously. Partially to blame was his next film, the admittedly great Schindler’s List. After Jurassic Park and that film, he just lost whatever it was that made him special. And now he just makes big, slightly better than average, “giant-films.” They’re soul less though, formulaic and just not Spielbergian.

Jurassic Park doesn’t just mark the end of the classic Spielberg era, it marks the beginning of the CGI Blockbuster era. It is both a sad and wonderful thing. Sad in that most of today’s dull, effects over burdened, summer crap-fests wouldn’t exist if it didn’t exist. And wonderful in that Jurassic Park’s CGI effects are the ultimate example of the medium, never bested, even nearly twenty years later. (Granted a lot of Jurassic Park’s CGI effects are seamlessly blended with animatronic and practical effects.)

Based on Michael Crichton’s novel of the same name, the plot of the film is quite intelligent and witty (especially compared to modern “popcorn” films… or Jurassic Park 2 and 3….) The acting is uniformly good all around, particularly from Sam Neill, Laura Dern and the two child actors that carry the film. And the dialog, while weighted down with a lot of exposition and techno-babble, is crisp, tight and at times darkly humorous. Like Star Trek- The Motion Picture however, Jurassic Park is not on this list for it’s plot per say, it is an experience, something that must be given into and just… seen.

Spielberg promised to deliver something with Jurassic Park, something un-imaginable, something akin to making Superman fly… Dinosaurs. Realistic, wholly believable dinosaurs. Does it achieve that? It does. And so much more…

I was at Jurassic Park on opening weekend when I was 8 years old. I sat in the front row and was mesmerized by the film. The first shot, when they reveal the Brontosaurus eating leaves from the treetops of the Park, left me speechless. Even when I think about it today it brings tears to my eyes. It’s one of those un-describable moments that confirms the magic of movies, unlike any other. Even the wonderful Tyrannosaurus and Raptor sequences from later in the film, while expertly crafted and totally believable, cannot compare to that one splendorous instant when we see a Dinosaur for the first time.

That first reveal is a moment of pure, beautiful wonderment and for that moment alone Jurassic Park could stand as a classic, thankfully the rest of the film is great too.

Poltergeist (1982)
Directed By Tobe Hooper

Here is yet another film that holds a very special place in my heart and mind, on an emotional level. Poltergeist is a movie that I consider the last “70’s Horror Film.” Meaning that; 1. It is well written and brilliantly acted. And, 2. It is a PG rated film that packs the punch of a Hard-R.

Poltergeist tells the story of an average american family that moves into a new home, in a new neighborhood, only to find their house possessed. At first the spirits that inhabit their house are playful, even humorous, but that soon devolves into the ultimate suburban nightmare. Their daughter is taken from them, the family is put at psychological odds with themselves and their deepest fears and if they don’t come together, they’ll lose everything and possibly by sucked straight into the darkest depths of hell.

My main love for Poltergeist stems from it’s plot and the carrying of that plot mostly on the shoulders of Jo Beth Williams. As the matriarch of the “most average and relatable family” Williams delivers an emotionally draining, heart wrenching performance, that not only anchors and drives the film, but in a perfect world would have netted her not only an Oscar but a much grander career. The latter parts of Poltergeist, when Williams (and the rest of the family) are searching for the missing daughter are as emotionally draining as they are terrifying. You truly feel for this woman and her family and that is what makes Poltergeist work so well.

As for the effects, they are brilliant, the film wouldn’t be on this list if they weren’t. From the little tricks the spirits play early on, to the killer tree, the evil clown doll, the nightmarishly stretching corridors and the climactic, ghastly apparitions, every effect in Poltergeist is first rate. And, not only are the ghosts of the film capable of generating suspense and terror, they also, in a few brief scenes, expose us to that mystical sensation of the unknown, ever so difficult to capture on film.

If you like horror with an emotional undertone, experience Poltergeist (before the (surely wretched) remake comes out.)

Star Trek III The Search for Spock (1984)
Directed By Leonard Nimoy

Wrath of Khan is considered the greatest Star Trek film, for good reason of course, because it IS the greatest Star Trek film. It is one of the few major Hollywood films to pack such darkness, drama and emotional impact into it’s effects laden borders. Also it is one of the few major Hollywood films to kill off a long standing, beloved, iconic character (Spock) and do it in a SERIOUS, weighty, truly heart wrenching way. And, I love Wrath of Khan, it’s a classic, but Star Trek III The Search for Spock is my FAVORITE Star Trek film.

Star Trek III begins right after the climactic events of Wrath of Khan. Kirk has been reunited with the son he never knew he had. The Enterprise is limping back home to Earth. The crew is drained and depressed and Dr. McCoy appears to be going insane after being touched by Spock, just before the vulcan saved all their lives in the last film.

When our intrepid heroes finally arrive back home they are met with little fanfare. Sulu, Scotty and Uhura are reassigned to less than thrilling jobs. Admiral Kirk is essentially told he’s gonna be put behind a desk and the Enterprise is to be decommissioned. And, Dr. McCoy is institutionalized.

The glimmer of hope at the center of the film is that there is a chance Spock is still alive. To follow through on this chance, Kirk and crew must throw their careers away, break Dr. McCoy out, steal the nearly destroyed Enterprise and trek back to the now forbidden Genesis Planet, created at the end of the last film, to retrieve Spock’s body. On their journey, in addition to being pretty much alone and outmatched by all, the crew must deal with irate Starfleet forces and a deranged renegade Klingon.

Star Trek III is the darkest chapter of the original series’ run and one of the darkest, most depressing mainstream films ever made. And, it is for this reason I love the film the most. It is a film of much uncertainty and great ambiguity, it is also a film that deigns to kill off yet ANOTHER beloved character in a tragic, shattering manner…

And no, I don’t mean David Marcus, Admiral Kirk’s son (who’s death and Kirk’s subsequent reaction is powerful and a high point of the series), I mean the destruction of the Original Starship Enterprise. It is for this sequence alone the film is on this list. AND this sequence is one of the few pure special effects moment that is emotionally draining unto itself.

The destruction of the Enterprise is the single greatest “stuff being blown-up real good” scene in cinema history. The Enterprise is such an iconic creation and such a powerful image by itself, seeing it ripped apart inside and out and blown to bits in rich wide screen glory is painful. To add to the pathos, we see Kirk and his crew, helpless and heartbroken, stranded now on a hellish planet, as they watch their beloved ship fall through the sky, burning, dying.

Star Trek III is a misunderstood, highly underrated, emotionally powerful film. If you like Sci-Fi or are a fan of Star Trek (new or old) I recommend watching the original series films, particularly 2-4 (it’s a great story arc.)

I am an odd person… and a gay person. Therefore I naturally have odd tastes in “gay films.”

Most mainstream or well known movies found in the niche of queerity I do not enjoy (Case in point, I immensely dislike Brokeback Mountain. I didn’t hate it mind you, just found it dull, cliched and un-inspired on most levels… it had some nice shots of clouds and fields in it though.) The fact of the matter is, most widely heralded gay films are almost always the exact same thing, a married man coming to terms with his sexuality, a teenage boy or girl coming to terms with their sexuality or some horribly tragic tale about a gay boy, girl, man or woman being savagely chastised, beaten or worse… for coming to terms with their sexuality.

All of these films are usually painfully PC to the point of nausea, full of saccharin preachiness and maudlin sentimentality so thick even Steven Spielberg would say “God damn!”

I’ve known all my life that I was a fag-o-sexual. I’ve also known that I don’t like dull as dishwater, Lifetime-esque, weepy, soap box melodramas. I grew up on James Bond, Star Trek, Star Wars, 80’s Horror Films and Euro Trash. In films I enjoy I like some style, pizzaz, oomph and (as much as us gays love em so much) BALLS! I know for a fact that I am not the only queer to feel this way, but, a lot of people are afraid to say such things for fear of pissing people off.

I am not afraid, and people should learn to be a bit less… pussified. So, without further adieu, my Top Ten favorite “Gay” Films. (I am excluding “drag queen” films from the list as that is just too easy for me.) (Also, I use quotations as SOME if not most of my favorite Gay Films are not necessarily considered gay by the status quo. You’ve been warned.)

10. Suddenly Last Summer (1959)
Directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Written by Tennessee Williams and Gore Vidal

Elizabeth Taylor plays Catherine Holly, a young woman who, while on vacation with her cousin Sebastian, witnesses something so horrible that she goes completely insane. When her Doctor (played by real life homo Montgomery Clift), presses to find out exactly what happened, Catherine’s Aunt Violet Venable (Katherine Hepburn) demands that she be lobotomized to cover up the truth.

I don’t really want to reveal just what the truth was (because it is TRULY, TRULY one of the great twists in screen history), but lets just say it has something to do with “Cousin Sebastian” being a VERY naughty boy…

When I first saw this movie, many, many years ago my jaw simply dropped when Elizabeth Taylor launches into her powerhouse “revelation monologue” at the end of the film. And I need not tell you that it takes A LOT to floor me. But the fact that the movie was made when it was, stars who it stars and is such a well regarded, if not outright “classic” film, makes what the movie is about all the more potent and applaud worthy in my opinion. Yes, the homosexuality apparent in the film is deplorable, BUT it is a major milestone in gay cinema and one of my all time favorite psychological thriller/melodramas.

9. First Blood (1982),
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
and Rambo III (1988)

Yes, the original Rambo Trilogy. Scoff if you will, but I am not the only one who considers the films gay.

I grew up loving action movies, Norris, Schwarzenegger, Eastwood, Bronson and yes, Stallone, to name a few. 80’s action movies in particular were always a pleasure to me as a young boy, not just because they featured lots of explosions, violence and guns, but because they almost always featured womenless, hard-boiled, loner guys who liked to take off their shirts, rub their muscled bodies with vaseline and kill dozens (sometimes hundreds and thousands in the case of Sly and Bronson) of people all for the sake of their lost “partner” or best friend.

True the films were not made purposefully to be gay and none of the characters in the films are expressly queer (in fact they’re just supposed to be hyper masculine figures of right wing fantasy) but, if that scene in Commando where Schwarzenegger’s ex-boss comes looking for him and Arnold sneaks up behind him with a knife and the guy then smiles orgasmically and says “Mmmm, smooth, swift and silent… Just like always” doesn’t strike you as a bit limp wristed… (then perhaps the chain mail wearing, handlebar mustache having, lisping, bitchy, leather daddy bad guy of the same film will.)

Anyways, the Rambo Trilogy… In a nutshell, the films follow the exploits of Ex-Green Beret/Super Human/(Lost Lonely Gay Boy?)/Vietnam Veteran John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) and his Best Friend/Mentor/Father Figure/Love Interest (?) Colonel Sam Trautman (Richard Crenna) as they do stuff that involves maiming (First Blood), killing (Rambo: First Blood Part II) and rescuing (Rambo III) various persons, places and things.

I wont go too deeply into each film, but I’ll list the moments that most confirm my beliefs about it being the ultimate gay fantasy series, ever.

First Blood:
A. Rambo is accosted for being an “outsider” in a small backwoods town and is summarily stripped and sprayed with a giant hose by Brian Dennehy and David Caruso.

B. After fashioning new clothing for himself and diving off a cliff Rambo sews up his own injury like a perfect little seamstress.

C. Rambo enjoys impaling men with large phallic objects.

D. Col. Trautman’s various speeches about being in “a lot of dirty holes” and covering “each other’s asses more than once” about Rambo. Also the line “God didn’t make Rambo, I did” delivered with the cryptic pride of not a father or leader, but someone much much closer.

E. Lastly, and most importantly, the entire ending of the film, where Rambo is brought in and subdued by Trautman, thusly causing Rambo to breakdown and fall into his “mentor’s” arms crying like a young boy who finally feels safe and at peace.

Rambo: First Blood: Part II:
A. The off the shoulder pink sweater/skin tight jean/feathered hair ensemble Rambo wears in the beginning of the film.

B. Throughout 75% of the film’s running time Rambo is shirtless, tan, oiled and flexing as if posing for the cover of Mens Workout or Inches.

C. Five minutes after kissing a girl (the only speaking girl in the entire series mind you), she is brutally murdered. It’s as if the gods themselves are telling Rambo “vagina’s are bad.” Rambo does keep the girl’s lovely jade Buddha necklace as a “good luck charm” though.

D. This go round Rambo enjoys firing lots “exploding arrows” into the backsides of men, while saving his fellow “brothers in arms.”

E. The torture scene, where upon Rambo is chained, shirtless, to an electrified mattress by his domineering, mincing, Russian captor.

Rambo III:
A. The tagline, “The first was for himself. The second was for his country. This time it’s to save his friend.” Not wife, not family member, but his “friend” Col. Trautman.

B. The plot, a beef jerky like, constantly shirtless Rambo kills THOUSANDS of men to save his “best friend.” NO OTHER REASON. ONLY TO SAVE HIS “FRIEND.”

C. Rambo spends most of the film “bonding” with a young boy and a bearded man. This includes lots of slow motion montages, maudlin speeches and giving the boy his necklace from the last film.

D. The line, delivered by Trautman while being strung up and tortured, “God would have mercy… Rambo wont!” Said through gritted, yet orgasmically happy teeth as if he’s said this line many times in the heat of passion.

E. The entire ending of the film, where, after Trautman has been rescued, he and Rambo run along, practically hand in hand, smiling at one another and prattling off sappy one liners to one another as they murder people and blow stuff up.

8. Tenebre (1982)
Written and Directed by Dario Argento

Dario Argento is one of my favorite directors, firstly, because in his pre-1987 career he did vividly stylish, fast paced, hyper violent, surrealistic horror/thrillers of various types better than no one else in Italy (including his mentor Mario Bava.) And, secondly, because he is the progenitor of my ultimate favorite type of “gay film.” That being a film in which gay people exist in the world of said film, but the film is not about them being gay.

There are gay characters of both the lesbian and male homo variety in almost all of Dario’s films, Cat O’ Nine Tails (1971), Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971) and Deep Red (1975) spring to mind most immediately, but nearly all of Argento’s output feature characters that are either expressly queer or could easily be considered gay. Sometimes they’re the killer or associated with the killer, sometimes they’re the cop chasing the killer and sometimes they are part of the body count, regardless, they were there in a time when few films would have an abundance of gays.

Now, I’m quite sure the films didn’t feature homo characters because Dario is just a big supporter of gays or anything, most likely they were there to push buttons or just because Europe is a bit more open than the rest of the world, or both. But, the fact is, Dario writes queers into the fabric of his cinematic world, sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad, but most importantly they are there and it ISN’T A BIG DEAL!

This brings me to Tenebre. The film is about an obsessed fan stalking and killing people around and associated to a famous thriller novelist, while he is on a promotional tour for his latest book. The movie is gorgeously shot, well plotted (especially the twist) and violent beyond all belief, in a very stylish sort of way. I suggest you track down a copy right now.

Anyways… the gayety of the film.

There is a lesbian reporter and her bisexual, whore-ish girlfriend. They’re FAIRLY minor characters and essentially just body count fodder. But they’re there in the world of the film, they interact with and aren’t hated by the main cast. They aren’t horrible stereotypes. They exist, they just are and I love that. (Also… the stalker is most likely gay too.)

7. Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
Directed by Sidney Lumet
Screenplay by Frank Pierson

To reveal why this classic film is on my list (and yes this is the only mainstream, truly well known film on here) I must reveal the twist of the film, if you can call it that. So if you haven’t seen the movie, and you SHOULD see the movie if you’re a fan of great cinema I suggest you get to it before you continue reading this.

(SPOILERS) In Dog Day Afternoon Al Pacino plays Sonny Wortzik a depressed Vietnam Vet and homosexual, who robs a bank on a hot summer day to get the money to pay for his lover’s (Chris Sarandon) sex change operation. Everything that can go wrong goes wrong and a stand off ensues that may or may not end in violence…

The film is brilliantly acted, paced taught, well shot, realistically scripted and it most certainly deserves every ounce of it’s classic status. There isn’t much else I can say on the subject other than it’s great and everyone should watch it just for those aspects. And, just as an added plus, it is probably the greatest “mainstream” gay oriented film in existence.

6. Sleepaway Camp (1983)
Written and Directed by Robert Hiltzik

Once again, another spoiler heavy entry into my list, so if you haven’t seen the film or someone hasn’t already mentioned the twist ending to you OR you haven’t seen that episode of Robot Chicken where they parody said twist, then don’t continue onward with this section of the list.

When this film was released in 1983 it was considered a cheap Friday the 13th knock off. Looking at the poster/box art for the film and even reading a brief more “normal” synopsis (from someone not “IN” on the film) would also suggest this. But Sleepaway Camp is no The Forest (1982), Sweet Sixteen (1983) or even one of it’s own insipid (yet QUITE amusing) sequels. Sleepaway Camp is a much different film, a cheap slasher film yes, but one made with a touch of subtlety, style and intelligence rarely seen in the genre of the time (and certainly not today.)

(SPOILERS) In 1975 while boating on a nice summer day a man and his two children, Angela and Peter, are seemingly killed in a freak accident, while the man’s gay lover looks on in terror. Years later after being raised by her “eccentric” aunt, the surviving child Angela (Felissa Rose), is sent to Camp Arawak for the summer with her feisty cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tierstan.) Once at camp the soft spoken and introverted Angela is tormented relentlessly by her fellow campers, some of the older counselors and nearly raped by the cook. Ricky vows to defend Angela… then the murders begin.

Who is killing the people of Camp Arawak? The foul mouthed, hyper protective Ricky? Angela’s would be boyfriend Paul (Christopher Collet)? Or meek little Angela herself?

(MAJOR SPOILERS) The answer, revealed by the film’s legendary final shot, is Angela. And, Angela isn’t really “Angela,” she is Peter. Peter’s sister Angela was killed in the boating accident and he was taken in by their Aunt. The crazy Aunt then decided to make Peter, Angela, because she already had a boy, Ricky. It’s a fucked up, truly mind blowing twist, especially for a film of this genre (and budget range.) Made even more unbelievable and shocking, since all of the kids in the film are played by KIDS who deliver fine performances, especially the leads Rose, Tierstan and Collet.

Sleepaway Camp is a well shot film (making great use of shadows) chock full of subtext and psychological layers. Sure the movie is hampered by a non-existent budget, a bit of the usual cheesiness associated with the genre and some campy adult performances, but still, it tries it’s damnedest to be more than the sum of it’s parts.

The true strength of the film is that it allows us to really feel for and know all of the younger characters on a primal, relatable level. As, we have all been made fun of in our lives at some point or another, most likely as a child and we all probably wanted to beat the crap out of our tormentors, (not kill them, but certainly give them some come-uppance.) And Sleepaway Camp perfectly captures just how mean other kids (and people and general) can be to other kids, for no real reason other than being “different” from them.

5. L.I.E. (2001)
Directed by Michael Cuesta
Written by Stephen M. Ryder, Gerald Cuesta and Michael Cuesta

A 15 year old, gay boy named Howie (Paul Dano) who has just lost his mother, has an inattentive father and is surrounded by less than admirable friends, begins a relationship with a much older man, who just happens to be the neighborhood pedophile.

L.I.E. is a very realistic, honest film. Possibly the most un-bias, un-preachy, just plain real film of this type. As a gay boy who grew up striving to find someone who would accept me and understand the feelings I was having the film is, naturally, strikingly personal. But really, anyone gay or straight can understand “crushing” on an older person and wishing they would help you, as a friend (or perhaps more) figure out all the confusing things that go on in teenage life. Maybe not to the semi-dangerous extent that happens in the film, but it’s still a very relatable and honest concept.

In other hands (say Larry Clark) the film would have ended up exploitative and offensive, but despite the subject matter, L.I.E. never goes that route. Paul Dano as Howie turns in a charming, soulful and utterly believable performance well beyond his years. And, Brian Cox as his “love interest” delivers an equally realistic and witty portrayal of a role that usually would devolve into menace or camp. The film is exceptionally well written and paced. It’s controversial and unexpected in places, but also touching and sweet. It’s a film with balls and that, beyond anything else, is why I enjoy it.

4. Cruising (1980)
Written and Directed by William Friedkin

This is another film in the “it’s set in a world with gay characters, but isn’t really about them being gay” subset that I enjoy so much. It is also a film that most gays, critics and…. well… people in general despise. I of course, do not.

Cruising is LOOSELY based on a true story about a detective (Al Pacino) that goes under cover to catch a serial killer who targets gay men with S&M proclivities.

The film overall is totally seedy, stylishly gritty and oft times confusing. But, despite what most people say today, is a realistic representation of a subculture of gay (and straight sex) that WAS and still IS (to a much lesser extent) in existence.

I can understand gays of the time (who were fighting an uphill battle for our rights) hating the film because it showed off to the masses a side of certain types of queers that don’t really show the group as a whole in a “good light.” I can understand gays of today hating the film because they just cant wrap their minds around the sexually open, total freedom of the pre-AIDS era represented in the film. And, I can also understand why critics and people in general hate the film, because it is a movie told in an oddly distant, yet frank way, filled with lots of unlikeable people, gay and straight.

But the reason I love the movie is 1. It was the first film I saw with an A-List actor (Pacino) and an A-List director (Friedkin, still high off the success of The Exorcist and The French Connection) dealing with gayety in an all out, no pussy footing around the subject way. And, 2. Because it is a film that shows “normal,” not so normal and outright deplorable, gays, straights and others interacting with and existing beside one another. But, the film at it’s core isn’t really about the sexuality of the characters, it’s a police procedural about doing anything to find and stop a serial killer.

Simply put I like Cruising because it’s an A-List dramatic thriller, that just shows gays of all types in the same world as straights of all types, good, bad and ugly on both counts. I’m not gonna tell you to run out and grab this one, because chances are you wont like it. But if you’re a fan of Friedkin, Pacino or gritty 70’s-esque cop movies you should check out, just go into it with an open mind.

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
Directed by Jack Sholder
Written by David Chaskin

Ok, so I said earlier, that I don’t enjoy films about guys coming to painful terms with their sexuality… But, when that coming to terms involves the sexuality becoming the physical manifestation of Fred Krueger and ripping itself from your body to go on a killing spree… I must make exception.

Set several years after the original film, Jesse (played by real life homo Mark Patton), his domineering father (Clu Culager), his quiet mother (Hope Lange) and young sister (Christie Clark) have moved into the infamous house on 1492 Elm Street.

Jesse is soft spoken, somewhat effeminate and enjoys dancing around his room lip syncing to disco music. He has a girlfriend (played by Meryl Streep look alike Kim Myers) but she is really more of a gal-pal than a love interest. As, Jesse more so enjoys spending his time wrestling around, bare assed with his hunky jock best friend (Robert Rusler.)

Aside from being the new-ish kid in town and… “different”… Jesse has another problem… Ever since he and his family moved into their new home he’s been having nightmares… Jesse dreams of a horribly burned man in a red and green sweater that wants to use his body to do “bad things.” This naturally leads to much more confusion for poor Jesse and… violent murders.

The makers of Freddy’s Revenge say they didn’t intentionally set out to make a warped “gay coming of age story” but admit in hindsight that it turned out that way. Granted, there is a sequence in the film where, after one of his nightmares, Jesse sneaks out of the house in his pajamas, only to seek solace in a gay bar. Where upon Jesse runs into his closet case, mean, leather daddy, gym teacher, who then leads him back to the high school for some after hours “working out” and de-masculinization. Yeah, I can see how you wouldn’t mistake that as intentionally gay… Granted though, the gym teacher is, of course, immediately stripped naked, humiliated, tied up and killed by Freddy, from behind, in the showers… Oh wait, still gay.

In any case, Freddy’s Revenge is the only “coming to terms with ones sexuality” movie that I enjoy, for obvious reasons. It’s certainly not the best Elm Street movie or sequel (that’d be Part 3.) It’s made obviously on the cheap side, but has a few touches of style (the wasteland school bus sequence, the “coming out” of Jesse scene and the final showdown are particularly nice.) It’s well acted, particularly by Patton and Myers. And the story is actually somewhat poignant for a quickly made, cash-in sequel.

2. The Fruit Machine aka Wonderland (1988)
Directed by Philip Saville
Written by Frank Clarke

This is a pleasantly stylish, sometimes surreal, very obscure little gem I came across many years ago and instantly fell in love with. It combines all my favorite aspects about gay cinema and cinema in general to make a truly enjoyable and engaging film experience.

The Fruit Machine is set in the UK and tells the story of two gay lads; Eddie (Emile Charles) the effeminate, slightly awkward one and Michael (Tony Forsyth) the attractive, out going, “playboy,” who witness a murder in a nightclub then go on the run to avoid being killed themselves. While evading attack from the psychopath (Bruce Payne) hot on their heels Eddie and Michael find a solid, friendly love for one another, while experiencing many good and bad aspects of life.

I don’t want to divulge too much about this film as it’s definitely more of an experience than a 100% cohesive movie. There are lots of surreal and cerebral moments in the film. And, several fantasy sequences, but it is still strangely straight forward as well. It is directed with visual flourish by Philip Saville, employing the use of a rich color schemes and interesting camera work. The movie is well scripted and the dialog and situations, while a bit fanciful at times are believable. And the acting, particularly from the two leads, but all around too, is excellent.

If you like off beat, VERY obscure, well made cinema, gay or straight, this is a film for you.

1. North Sea Hijack aka ffolkes (1979)
Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen
Written by Jack Davies

Yes, my number one entry is a film which some may scoff at, yet again as no one in the film is directly referred to as gay. But this time, unlike with the Rambo films, the makers of the film do everything they can BESIDES directly saying “QUEER!” to let you know that our leading man, his team and the villains are friends of Dorothy.

Sir Roger Moore plays Rufus Excaliber ffolkes, the gruff, bearded, man “who knows men’s bodies very well,” woman LOATHING (seriously disgusted by them), cat hoarding leader of an elite commando unit that is usually sent in to do the jobs no one else can get done. ffolkes lives with his men and his many cats, hating women and training together in blissful solitude on his private island.

Anthony Perkins plays Kramer and Michael Parks plays his second in command/probable lover Harold, both are terrorists, bitchy, mincing queens and generally angry people. They hijack two giant oil refineries, named “Ruth” and “Esther” with the intent of blowing them up and destroying England’s economy. Naturally the refineries are held for ransom and the government is given a limited amount of time to pony up the cash before all hell is let loose.

ffolkes devises an ingenious plan to thwart the terrorists, stop the bombing and save the UK, but will he and his men make it before it’s too late?

Even though the plot of the film is very “Bondian,” both Moore and to a lesser extent Perkins did the film to break up a bit of their overwhelming type casting and do something a tad different. To a degree they succeed, but do extremely well in their roles regardless of similarity to past exploits.

And, just on the whole North Sea Hijack is a rollicking, well shot, well acted, well paced, witty, action film, of a classic style. If you like Bond films, adventure stories or just good solid ass kicking the film will be a delightful experience for you.

THAT is the main reason why I love the film, because first and foremost it is a top notch action adventure. However, it is also because the hero AND villains are so obviously homosexual (and it doesn’t matter to the story, they just exist, it doesn’t have to be said or made a big deal of) that it is truly an all time classic for me. Yes, I’m sure there are people who would argue that ffolkes and his men and Kramer and Harold are just “eccentric.” And, I will agree with them, they are eccentric…. and men loving homos featured in the best gay movie ever!

More specifically the current spate of remaking every horror film from the 70’s and 80’s. (Don’t get me started on the more odious rumors of “classic” film remakes… such as Casablanca, with Madonna…) These “reboots” almost seem to be the only thing Hollywood is spending money on besides lame, unnecessary sequels and tepid romantic comedies.

95% of these remakes are soul less, artistically retarded, poorly acted, PG-13 fluff pieces that make their original (mostly) trashy, but genuine counterparts seem like Shakespeare. What’s worse is that these remakes cost about 10 times as much as the originals did to make. AND even worse still, the whole reason these remakes are undertaken is to make money off of the people who liked the originals and or draw in a new audience of willing sheep and they don’t even do that! Most remakes barely break even or lose money!

But, now you say to me “There are some good remakes, like the 80’s version of The Blob or the 70’s version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” Yeah, there are a few good remakes, those are two of them. Generally when a good remake manages to spring up they are done with love and care, not just a big budget. And most importantly they are usually heralded by a talented filmmaker who genuinely loved the original film and knows what he or she is doing behind the camera.

In the past (literally) few years we’ve gotten The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, When a Stranger Calls, The Amityville Horror, Prom Night, Assault on Precinct 13, The Last House on the Left, Halloween, Friday the 13th, The Hills Have Eyes, Carrie, Dark Water, The Ring, The Grudge, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Invasion, The Hitcher, Death Race, I Am Legend, House of Wax, The Fog, House on Haunted Hill, Willard, The Omen, The Wicker Man, The Toolbox Murders, The Stepford Wives, Sisters, Sorority Row, The Shining, The Stepfather, Rollerball, Quarantine and Pulse. And THOSE are just the remakes of horror films that have come out. AND of those only The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th and Dawn of the Dead made money (most likely because the original films already had many sequels and had been in the public conscious since created, not because they were good.)

Coming in the next few years (just to name a few) we’ve got remakes of Stephen King’s IT, The Funhouse, Monster Squad, Scanners, Escape from New York, Poltergeist, Faces of Death, The Evil Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Host, It’s Alive, Hellraiser, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Silent Night Deadly Night, Suspiria, Child’s Play, The Birds, Children of the Corn, They Live, Reanimator, Piranha, Predator, The Thing, The People Under the Stairs, Total Recall, Night of the Demons, Motel Hell, The Gate, Anguish, Shocker, Scream (?),Battle Royale!, and YET ANOTHER Invasion of the Body Snatchers (The Invasion was released little more than a YEAR ago!)

All I can say is, after I clear the vomit from my throat, is, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?

But, I’ll just give myself a tumor if I keep asking why and begging them to stop, so… I think I’m going to join them. Yep, I’ve got two remakes planned myself and here they are:

#1. Jaws. The Shark will be totally CGI and will be on screen for at least 75% of the running time. There will be no Alex Kintner death scene, as that’s far too illicit for modern audiences. Instead, his death will be replaced by a big titted Disney Channel star getting mildly scraped by the shark, bloodlessly of course. As for the main cast Colin Farrell will be playing Quint, Jason Biggs will be Matt Hooper and Ben Stiller will be Chief Brody. It will be rated PG-13 of course, have a $200 Million budget and be directed by whoever has the hottest music videos out right now.

Sound good to you? Bet it does to the studios. Here’s my second one.

#2. The Exorcist. Reagan is no longer going to be a child, but rather an 18 year old girl who has just graduated High School, most likely played by Hillary Duff. Her mother will no longer be an actress, but a middle class working mom who can barely get by, most likely played by Amy Adams. There will be no crucifix masturbation, no cursing, no peeing, no spider walking and no subliminal imagery. Also, the devil will not be referred to as “the devil” as that is also too taboo, he will be referred to as a “terrorist”. The eldest priest will be played by Richard Gere, who will end up falling in love with the mom. And the younger priest will be played by Owen Wilson. It’s actually going to be a romantic dramedy.

There we go. Now, throw cash at some hack to crap out these gems and we’ll be in business. Now, excuse me while I go hang myself.

Life is about springing forward people, even if we fall flat on our face. An original shitty film is far superior to a shitty carbon copy. Losing money on something new, can’t hurt any worse than losing money via raping a beloved film, can it?