Author: BRWC

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Last Caress, continuing our BRWC rundown of thirty Batman/Superman movies, ranked in order from worst to first (Part 1 HERE) :

20. Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (Geda, 2003)

Falling squarely into the good-not-great bin of mediocrity, Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman sees Batman and Robin attempting to apprehend a new vigilante – Batwoman – before she can kill Penguin, Bane and other assorted nefarious Gotham lowlifes. And look here, Bruce Wayne has a new lady in his life: Mob boss daughter Kathy Duquesne. So who’s this Batwoman, anyway? It’s a real mystery, isn’t it? Actually, the answer’s not quite as obvious as I’ve telegraphed it there but it’s not much more perplexing either.

19. Superman: Unbound (Tucker, 2013)

Based on the comic book story Superman: Brainiac, Superman: Unbound is crisply animated and high octane but, concerned as it is with Superman and Supergirl’s battle to stop the demented cyborg Brainiac from destroying Earth whilst also attempting to retrieve the miniaturised Kryptonian city of Kandor from Brainiac’s ship, Superman: Unbound largely takes place off-planet, which means lots of dull metal panel spaceship locations or typically “alien” cityscape backdrops, leaving the movie feeling like a thousand generic kid’s cartoon shows. That’s a little unfair on the material which is fairly interesting for the most part and absolutely cracking from time to time but there we are. Those with a keen ear for voices might recognise that of Stephen Root (King of the Hill, Dodgeball) in the role of Zor-El, Superman’s uncle and Supergirl’s dad.

18. Superman Returns (Singer, 2006)

Fresh from his successes in bringing Marvel’s Uncanny X-Men to the big screen in 2000 and 2003 respectively, Bryan Singer – not particularly a fan of comic books, by the way – wanted a crack at rebooting Superman at the cinema, with an idea he’d had for a film which would ignore the events of Superman III (Lester, 1983) and Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (Furie, 1987) and follow on more-or-less directly from Superman II (Lester, 1980). He pitched the idea to Warner Bros and the result was Superman Returns, a movie which, whilst chocked with ideas, is also WAY too long, too plodding when there isn’t an action set piece happening, and hampered by one or two questionable casting decisions; Brandon Routh is okay and he certainly looks like Christopher Reeve, but there needs to be more than just a physical similarity. The late, great movie critic Roger Ebert wondered if that was the only reason Routh was cast, and he may have a point. Kate Bosworth was immediately forgettable as Lois Lane, too. In its favour though, Kevin Spacey was excellent as Lex Luthor, a villain to whom I’ve never really taken.

17. Batman: Bad Blood (Oliva, 2016)

“This is the story of two nut-jobs. Bruce Wayne, and Talia Al Ghul. These are the Waynes. And these, are the Al Ghuls. And this is… Gotham.”
If you’re not old and decrepit enough to recognize the above reference to Soap, the wacky sitcom about a large Connecticut family of screwballs and oddbods, you have my sympathies. You missed out. Still, don’t despair; you’ve got your own wacky family shenanigans to laugh and cry along to now! Batman takes a step back from the spotlight yet again, this time yielding mostly to Dick Grayson/Nightwing, covering for the grounded Dark Knight, and to Batwoman, a newcomer to the Bat family in the “DC Universe Animated Original Movies” sequence of films, although the character guest starred in 2003’s Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (Geda, 2003), a movie spin-off of the nineties TV show The New Batman Adventures. But Damian Wayne’s back on Robin duties (though he’s less irritating here than in the previous two movies) and we get to say howdy to Batwing, too! Cripes, it’s like the bloody Slaters on EastEnders, isn’t it?

16. Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (Liu, 2009)

Utilizing the well-worn concept of multiple heroes registering and working within the framework of the government, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies sadly doesn’t explore the implications of that scenario with any real depth, instead using it as no more than a means for Lex Luthor (Clancy Brown) – who has incredibly and rather bizarrely been elected president of the USA – to take another stab at bringing down his nemesis, the Son of Krypton, by framing him and Batman for a crime they didn’t commit, setting all the other heroes – plus a shedload of bounty-hunting villains – after the pair. And if that’s not enough, a Kryptonite meteor is set to collide with Earth in seven days! Bugger. Terrific multi-character mashup but the Luthor-as-President premise is a hell of a reach. Captain Atom was the inspiration for Watchmen‘s Dr. Manhattan. Superman/Batman: Public Enemies features the character Amanda Waller who also appears in Batman: Assault on Arkham and will be played by Viola Davis in the upcoming movie Suicide Squad (Ayer, 2016). Black Lightning is portrayed here by Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s LeVar Burton.

15. All Star Superman (Liu, 2011)

I’ve never read the 12-part comic story but I’m led to understand that, in many ways, All-Star Superman is the Batman: The Dark Knight Returns of Superman literature. Sadly, while All Star Superman (the movie) is an interesting enough self-contained picture concerning Superman dealing with his mortality and impending death, the delivery gives the material no more gravity than a run-of-the-mill Saturday morning cartoon. The animated adaptation of Frank Miller’s pounding adieu to Gotham managed to retain the emotion of the comic book; All Star Superman didn’t, it would seem. Indeed, a popular complaint of the movie by fans of the book is that the movie rushed through the story. Still, it’s made me eager to check out the source material. Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks features as Lois Lane, as does the great Ed Asner (Up) as Perry White.

14. Superman: Doomsday (Montgomery/Timm, 2007)

In this loose adaptation of the successful comic book story arc The Death of Superman, Superman (Adam Baldwin) “dies” fighting Doomsday before being replaced by the first of what’s intended to be an army of Superman clones created by Lex Luthor. Superman: Doomsday was the first of the “DC Universe Animated Original Movies”, and although it lacked the gravity the story deserved (in the same way All Star Superman would four years later) it was a decent if unchallenging start. Antagonist Doomsday will feature in the upcoming movie Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Snyder, 2016).

13. Superman II (Lester, 1980)

I don’t know, you wait all day for a Kryptonian supervillain and then, all of a sudden, three show up at once! Undoubtedly the best of the Christopher Reeve-era Superman pics, Superman II sees the Man of Steel up against Ursa, Non and their leader General Zod (Terence Stamp), the insurgents locked up by Jor-El in the previous film, who arrive for a spot of world domination just as Supes has rescinded his powers in order to live a mortal, human life with Lois Lane. Always the way, isn’t it?

12. Batman: The Movie (Martinson, 1966)

“Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”
Of course we all like our Dark Knight to be… well, dark. And of course the 1966 TV show could very well have sunk Batman as a credible literary icon forever. But Batman (the TV show) was so gleefully silly, it forced a sappy grin from everyone who tuned in, which was a lot of people. I can’t think of too many other shows I enjoyed as a kid and then enjoyed again as an adult for entirely different reasons. The Muppet Show maybe, and I guess The Simpsons had that same layered quality, once. Anyway, the Crown Jewel of the Adam West era was Batman: The Movie, basically a 105-minute extended episode featuring not one, not two, not three but ALL FOUR of The Caped Crusader’s arch enemies: Penguin, The Riddler, Catwoman and The Joker. All at once! Holy Foursome! And if that wasn’t enough, we see The Dynamic Duo scramble the Bat-Boat, the Bat-Copter AND the Bat-Bike as well as the Batmobile (for my money, still the definitive incarnation of Batman’s ride and the greatest automobile ever captured on film). And we haven’t even mentioned Batman’s epic demonstration of the early extreme sport “Punch the Shark” whilst clinging to a rope ladder, or the quite incredibly handy can of “Shark Repellent” bat-spray which finished the hapless fish for good. I never leave the house without mine.

11. Superman vs The Elite (Chang, 2012)

How would people with genuine superpowers go about solving complex world crises like the Middle East, Pakistan/India, Korea, Russia in the Crimea, the slowly re-emerging Cold War? And once these superheroes have decided who’s right and who’s wrong, how far is too far in achieving their goals? Some pretty heavy sh*t right there for a Superman cartoon, but that’s what Superman vs The Elite attempts to tackle as Superman finds himself aided by a very able but maybe too willing band of assistants, against the backdrop of global political unrest and imminent military action. “Look Supes, when we take down the baddies, they stay down,” says Manchester Black to the Man of Steel, in a stance similar to that which Frank Castle takes opposing Matt Murdock in the second season of Daredevil on Netflix. Superman vs The Elite‘s bold, simplistic animation doesn’t do justice to its thought-provoking storyline though, which is a shame because many will likely dismiss the movie as a result.

Our rundown concludes with part 3 HERE.

By Last Caress.

BRWC tasked mild-mannered reporter Last Caress with donning some tights, boots, cape and cowl – which for reasons not made entirely clear he happened to have on his person at the time – flying out into the cosmos and training his powers of super-criticism on as many Batman/Superman-headed movies as he could. It’s not a complete and definitive list but he managed to get through thirty pictures which he presents to you now, ranked in order of his personal preference, from worst to first. Excelsior! (No, that’s not them, that’s that other fella. Oh well):

30. Batman & Robin (Schumacher, 1997)

Well, which movie did you think would be propping up the rest at the bottom of the pile? A big pile of bumsh*t, from nipple to codpiece.

29. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (Furie, 1987)

I feel a little sorry for Superman IV, if I’m honest. Defeated before it was even born, the producers of the Superman franchise up to that point sold Superman to Cannon Films following the box office failure of Supergirl (Szwarc, 1984). Cannon Films afforded Superman IV a budget ($17m) which was less than half that of its f*ckawful predecessor Superman III (Lester, 1983), which itself only had a budget a little over two-thirds that of the two far more illustrious movies in that cycle of pictures (Superman: The Movie, Donner 1978 and Superman II, Lester 1980). Cuts were made everywhere. Sequences supposedly taking place in the world-famous 42nd Street in New York City had to be shot in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, UK. Christopher Reeve said, “Even if the story had been brilliant, I don’t think that we could ever have lived up to the audience’s expectations with this (fiscal) approach.” Unfortunately the story was a pile of old cocksniff too, involving as it did poor Mark Pillow in an outfit resembling something his nan might have sewn together for him as “Nuclear Man”, hewn from the DNA of Supes himself, a nuclear missile, and the sun. Somehow.

28. Superman III (Lester, 1983)

In many ways Superman III shouldn’t even be on this list because, far from being a Superman pic, it’s really a Richard Pryor comedy vehicle, and a f*cking atrocious one at that, given how funny Pryor usually is. Christopher Reeve is still wonderful in the role as the last son of Krypton; in fact, some manufactured Kryptonite substitute turns Supes mean, giving Mr. Reeve an opportunity to really cut loose from his Big Blue Boy Scout persona, which he does with relish. But Mr. Reeve’s performance aside, Superman III has nothing about it whatsoever.

27. Batman Forever (Schumacher, 1995)

Oh, I was really looking forward to this one. Batman Returns (Burton, 1992) had been the movie I wanted the overrated Batman (Burton, 1989) to be, The Riddler had always been one of my favourite villains as a kiddie, Jim Carrey was at the height of his considerable abilities in the mid-nineties and Tommy Lee Jones… well, who doesn’t like Tommy Lee Jones? So imagine my disappointment when Batman Forever (what’s that name all about, anyway?) turned out to be a pile of old bum-squeezings. Robin has only been done well in a limited number of instances and it sure to Christ isn’t here, Carrey shook all menace out of his character and Jones seemed disinterested, aware that the movie was turning egg-shaped around him. And in Val Kilmer we have the worst Batman performance ever committed to film. Yes, worse than George Clooney’s in the movie which followed this one. Worse even than David Jason running around as Del Boy in fancy dress in Only Fools and Horses. Mange tout, Rodney!

26. Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (Montgomery, 2010)

A battle between Superman/Batman/Wonder Woman and the villainous Darkseid for the heart and soul of a mysterious humanoid alien girl, crash landed on Earth and seeming to possess powers similar to Superman’s. Given that her name is Kara Zor-El, she’s Superman’s cousin and the whole picture is based on the comic-book story The Supergirl From Krypton, it’s fairly clear which way she’s going to fall. Features a cameo from Krypto the Superdog, Superman’s pet, complete with little doggie cape. Ruff!

25. Batman (Burton, 1989)

I imagine Batman would be further up the list for a lot of people, but the movie many feel kick-started the cinema-going public’s voracious hunger for superhero blockbusters doesn’t do it for me (and in any event, I personally think the movie which kick-started the cinematic superhero craze was Bryan Singer’s X-Men eleven years after Batman, but I digress). I’m old enough to remember the hoopla surrounding the release of Batman, how the media were trumpeting about how dark it was, how much more suited to the character. And, I suppose in comparison to the Batman TV show of the late sixties, it was. Sort of. But I felt Tim Burton’s picture didn’t go nearly far enough. In fact, I felt that that entire cycle of Batman pictures wanted it both ways: Dark AND camp. At least the show wore its silliness on its sleeve, out and proud. As a result, only Batman Returns (Burton, 1992) really hit the mark for me from that batch. Danny Elfman’s score has become iconic but I can’t stand it (hour after hour of hearing it while my son played Lego Batman on his PS3 may have done that to me though, in fairness to Mr. Elfman), that thick rubber suit of Batman’s left him looking almost completely immobile and Jack Nicholson just seemed to be doing a fatter impression of Cesar Romero to me. And Batdance by Prince was frankly crap. Face to Face by Siouxsie and the Banshees represented a titanic theme song upgrade for Batman Returns.

Any plus points to take from Batman, then? Well I wasn’t keen on the characterization of Batman because of the restrictive outfit but I really liked Michael Keaton’s distracted portrayal of Bruce Wayne, Michael Gough made an excellent Alfred Pennyworth and Jack Palance was… well, Jack Palance. What’s not to like? It was good to see that there was at least an interest from Hollywood in making The Dark Knight darker, but this wasn’t the movie that would successfully do that, for me at least. That came later.

24. Son of Batman (Spaulding, 2014)

Oh dear. I mean, Son of Batman is well made and the basic premise of a son being raised as an agent of death, bred solely to rise up and kill his father, is an oft-explored and – if it’s done well – potentially fascinating dynamic. It’s Shakespearian, it’s Arthurian, it’s primal fear and fantasy. But when the son in question is a perma-scowling over-entitled snot-nosed pooh-stain of primary school age, it doesn’t f*cking work. Not for me, anyways. Son of Batman introduces Damian Wayne into the Batman fold and I couldn’t be more underwhelmed. I mean honestly, who in sh*tting crikey looked at Batman and thought, hm, yeah, he’s good and all that, but what this guy needs to really put him over the top is to turn him from a terrifying symbol of fear for every criminal in Gotham into the beleaguered dad of a mouthy noodle-armed misery guts with a Napoleon complex? In the next movie, Damian gets bollocked on The Jeremy Kyle Show while Batman, now a regular panellist on Loose Women, tearfully confesses on live daytime TV that he hasn’t had a girlfriend, bunch of flowers or meaningful orgasm for ten years.

23. Batman vs. Robin (Oliva, 2015)

Now, Batman vs. Robin is better than its predecessor for sure, but in a way it’s almost more frustrating for having a potentially good story in there (Batman vs. Robin loosely follows the Court of Owls comic book story, amongst other things). We’re well used to Batman taking a back seat in his animated pictures by now, but there’s taking a back seat and then there’s playing second fiddle. The know-it-all ten year-old sociopath Damian Wayne is still front and center serving a sneering “Whatever!” apprenticeship as the new Robin under his dad, who’s attempts to retrain his murderous offspring as an elegant emissary of justice are hamstrung by Damian approaching every circumstance like the petulant little wanker he is and then having his ignorance justified by repeatedly coming up smelling of roses. I’ve never seen Batman in the sh*t as often as he is here and, time and again, it’s his ten year old son pulling The Dark Knight’s hapless fat out of the fire.

22. The Dark Knight Rises (Nolan, 2012)

See, in The Dark Knight Rises Batman struggles to get out of a big hole festooned with ropes but when he finally makes it, he gets from the hole to Gotham in an instant. That’s all tits-up, isn’t it? I mean, that hole would’ve been a doddle for Adam West’s TV Batman, who ably scaled walls with his bat-rope every f*cking week! But whereabouts was that hole anyway? It looked a bloody long way from Gotham. Batman has no money, no passport, no ID, no provisions. So how did he get home? Just one of the questions raised in this movie, the answers to none of which make a lick of sense. Tom Hardy is excellent as usual though as Bane, even if he’s reciting all his lines through a mouthful of humbugs. “Mfftr Wff!” What’s that, Tom?

21. Superman: The Movie (Donner, 1978)

I suppose in many ways Superman: The Movie should be much, much higher on this list, and certainly would be for most. The grand-daddy of the modern superhero movie, Superman: The Movie served as a direct inspiration for many of the filmmakers who followed in the genre, including Bryan Singer with his X-Men pics as well as Superman Returns (2006), and Christopher Nolan as he formulated his Dark Knight trilogy. The late, great Christopher Reeve was the living embodiment of Superman and remains the blueprint for the role. Alas, I just don’t especially care for it. I love what Mr. Reeve did in the movie, particularly as Kal-El’s human alter-ego Clark Kent, but I didn’t find it an especially engrossing storyline past the “origin” portion, I’ve never been a fan of Lex Luthor and in this cycle of Superman movies he’s about as sh*t as he’s ever been thanks to Gene Hackman’s comedic spin on the character, turning him into little more than a middle-aged spiv as far as I can see, and the whole spinning-around-the-world-fast-enough-to-change-its-rotation-and-subsequently-reverse-time bit was… well, rubbish. I didn’t even buy it back in 1978, and I was six.

Our rundown continues with Part 2 HERE and Part 3 HERE.