I’m Too Old For This Sh*t: Classic Movies, 20 Years Too Late

12th April 2013

There are two things which, if a person becomes my friend, they will eventually learn about me. These aren’t the obvious, in your face facets of my personality (like my wit, charm and good looks), rather facts which usually require a certain amount of trust to have developed before I quietly slip them into conversation. But I’ll lay them on the table for you today:

1. I had a childhood obsession with Xena: Warrior Princess. I watched it obsessively, and now own DVD boxsets, figurines, graphic novels and fancy dress costumes. That crazy homoerotic badass was my introduction to feminism, aged 9.

2. This is the important one, which will probably make readers question how I have any authority to write on this site at all. Here goes: I have watched almost no “classic” films made in the period between the late 70’s and early 90’s.

I was born just into 1990, so my childhood contained epic Disney films (The Lion King 4lyf) and my teenage years contained, on the whole, movies that came out in the noughties. This has resulted in SO MANY conversations in which somebody goes “You’ve seen [insert title of classic movie here] right?” followed by an awkward admission on my part and shock and horror on theirs. Seriously. I’ve only seen the films listed below in the past three years or so, and the majority of them in the last three months. I have still never seen: Terminator, Mad Max, Dirty Dancing, Pretty Woman, Predator… the list goes on.

This feature, then, is about my experience of watching classic movies about 20 years too late. Are they actually any good? Or is it just collective nostalgia making people think they’re great? Was Mel Gibson ever really a decent non-anti-Semitic actor? Did Bruce Willis have hair? (I’ve now seen Die Hard 1 & 3 and I’m still not convinced).

Jurassic Park
This one I saw a few years ago now, at the behest of a boyfriend. I’m afraid that personally this falls into the “only so popular due to nostalgia” category. It’s not bad; it was enjoyable. But watching it now, as a) an adult, and b) an adult who has been brought up to expect amazing SFX and CGI, the dinosaurs lacked the realism I needed to fully engage with the plot. Saying that, it made me do a T-Rex impression, and T-Rex impressions are pretty much the most fun a person can have. Especially if you’re drunk.

Rocky
The same boyfriend that made me watch Jurassic Park also sat me down one evening and told me that it was high time I was introduced to one of his other favourite films. I had little knowledge of the plot of Rocky, apart from a vague understanding that there was a lot of boxing and a lot of Stallone grunting and running up steps. I was not disappointed, but I was also pleasantly surprised. All of it – the plot, the production, the acting – was a lot more subtle and nuanced than I was expecting. I have since seen the comedian Daniel Simonsen talking about Rocky, however, and he makes a good point: http://www.youtube.com/embed/nzgTM6ArASI?t=5m11s

Die Hard
I only saw Die Hard for the first time this Christmas just gone. That’s right, I made it through 22 years and 22 Christmases without ever watching this 1988 classic – and I love Alan Rickman (who doesn’t?) I was also lucky in that I lost my Die Hard virginity not in a dull, everyday front room, but in the packed out Prince Charles cinema in Leicester Square, watching it on the big screen with a cider in hand. Excellent. And it was excellent! Maybe action movies have just gone downhill lately, wrapped up in a self-congratulatory bubble of huge explosions and bulging muscles, but the way in which Die Hard combined brutal action, emotional tension and genuine humour really impressed me. Not to mention that the part at the end where McClane and Sgt. Powell’s eyes meet across the crowd as they walk slowly towards each other was the perfect moment for another cinema goer to shout “kiss him!” Also, Willis used to be pretty hot! Who knew?!

Alien
Released in 1979, Alien falls into the very beginning of my movie-void. I saw Alien vs Predator a few years ago, and, given its utter mediocrity, I unfortunately wrote off Alien as part of the same franchise. My current boyfriend, however, is a movie addict and works in a Forbidden Planet store, so he put on the first of his Alien boxset the other day and I sat down rather dubiously. However, it was brilliant. Most people reading this will probably be going “well, duh” right now, but I was genuinely surprised. It was dark and funny, and Ripley presents a fierce, multi-faceted heroine of the type that I wish there were more of. Considering it was made over 30 years ago the alien looks fantastic and is testament to the fact that modern technology can’t always outdo the efforts of a decent art department.

Aliens
Ah. Then it went slightly downhill. I did enjoy Aliens, but it was essentially just the same film as the first one, with more of stuff. More people, more aliens, more guns, more places to hide; but less plot twists. I felt like it was mainly the dialogue that kept it entertaining – my boyfriend and I now can’t say the word “mostly” without doing it in the creepy voice Newt uses when she says “they mostly come out at night… mostly” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B436avtEXzs) and she also had one of the best lines ever when the rescue team arriving on her decimated planet keep asking her where her parents are: “they’re dead ok?! Can I go now?”

Lethal Weapon
I finally understand the “I’m too old for this shit!” joke! If nothing else, this film-watching has made so many references finally make sense. It’s also made me realise that some actors used to be attractive, before they got old and/or racist. I watched Lethal Weapon a month or so ago and although I remember enjoying it at the time, I now can’t really remember what happens, which is probably a reflection of its light-hearted, not-particularly-meaningful action genre. It’s alright, but I wouldn’t put it in the same pile as Alien or Die Hard, which I think do genuinely stand the test of time as a “classic” film.

Robocop
I had a similar reaction to this as to Lethal Weapon: it was briefly entertaining, but I think most of the “classic” status given to it is due to the nostalgic resonance that people have, particularly since a lot of boys I know had Robocop toys or comics as well. It’s part of that childhood or teenage experience which I can’t possibly hope to replicate as an adult woman. This is a little sad. Thankfully, I had Xena instead.

Help, people! What other movies do I need to add to the extensive, ever-growing list? What should I prioritise?

Facebook

Google

Twitter

We hope you're enjoying BRWC. You should check us out on our social channels, subscribe to our newsletter, and tell your friends. BRWC is short for battleroyalewithcheese.