I’m Back! News! And, My Top 10 Favorite Film Promos of All Time

1st March 2012

Before we get to the bulk of this feature I just want to say that… I’m back! (I know you all missed me so much didn’t you?) Oh, and Happy Leap Year!

The last thing I did was my little ode to Jamie Lee Curtis back in September of last year (take the time to go back and read it. It’s worth it I promise.)

I’ve been off writing a couple scripts and gearing up to make them, 1. for my 80’s horror/comedy homage SOMETHING and 2. for a serious rape/revenge thriller called Crime Against Nature (both of which I will keep you all updated on, with exclusives, as we slowly trot them out piece by piece.)

AND, in news more pertinent to BRWC, I have also been scratching and clawing and stalking out some celebrity interviews for a new feature I’m going to be doing called “11 Questions With…”

I’ve got exclusive interviews with Elm Street 4 star Tuesday Knight, Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark herself Cassandra Petersen, Oscar Winner Lee Grant and Master of Horror John Carpenter coming soon (among many others!) So, stay tuned for that!

In honor of the new feature I’m going to do a post a day, until Monday, leading up to the inaugural episode of “11 Questions with…”

Starting with this…

Trailers and Tag Lines are a very special subject for me; I love them. Like, get down on one knee and propose to them love them. Well, that is if they’re of a certain type…

For me to want to bare it’s children the marketing of a film must be exceptionally cheesy, ludicrous, lurid, salacious, mismatched or over the top. Take for example the poster and tagline for the Joan Collins’ soft-core porn, trash epic (based on her sister Jackie’s best selling novel of the same name) The Bitch:

You see here we have Joan Collins in lingerie, a captains hat and a fur coat, nothing else but that and the simple, truthful and effective tag line “Joan Collins as The Bitch.” (We all know of course, that, surely “as” was a typo for “is.”) THAT is what I’m talking about. The more the movie associated with the panty moistening promotional material sucks, the more I’ll want to see it.

I own the poster for Chuck Norris’s 2nd best film, 1982’s Silent Rage not because I love the movie (because I do) or because the poster is exceptionally decent (it’s not) but because of the tag line “Science Created Him, Now Chuck Norris Must Destroy Him.”

Here is the italian poster for the (dull as dishwater) 1977 killer house cat, anthology film The Uncanny…

Seriously there is not one thing in the film even remotely like that! That’s the poster for “Pantherman: The Bodice Ripper of Venice” not “Donald Pleasance and various other respected british actors are ‘menaced’ by poorly prodded house cats and bad over dubbing.”

We just don’t get shit like that anymore! The closest we’ve come in recent years was the promo stuff for the 2005 crapfest The Cave, who’s tag line was about 500 times more awesome the film… “Below heaven there is hell… Below hell there is… The Cave.” You can practically hear the deep voiced narrator reading it as deep synthesizer blares punctuate the mess at proper times.

That is what makes me want to bend over and take it from a trailer, poster or tagline… And that is what the following list is made of.

10. Blood Beach (1980)- Poster and Tagline-
The tagline (A play on the infamous tagline from Jaws 2) “The five people thought to have drowned here never even made it past the sand! BLOOD BEACH Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… you can’t get to it.”

9. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)- Trailer and Poster-

How is it such a horrible movie came up with not only a great trailer, but one of the greatest poster ever made?

8. Chained Heat (1983)- Trailer-

Seriously, the trailer alone has more breasts in it than a KFC next door to a strip joint! And that tagline! I’m starting to get the vapors!

7. Jaws III (1983)- Trailer-

One of the simplest, cheapest trailers in the history of trailers, but it never fails to get me rock hard!

6. When Time Ran Out (1980)- Poster and Tagline-

1. Jacqueline Bisset’s breasts.
2. The tagline makes no sense within the context of the film.

5. The Swarm (1978)- Trailer and Tagline-

Irwin Allen really knew his shit didn’t he? The cast! “Enough stars for 12 movies!” The bees! (Yes, they blow up a nuclear power plant.) Michael Caine! And, my beloved, nonsensical tagline… “It is more than speculation… it is a prediction.”

4. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)- Teaser Trailer-

The most respectable entry on my list, but still, one of the most deliriously, pretentiously over the top bits of promotion to ever come from Hollywood. Who blew who to get Orson Welles to narrate this thing? (Kudos to the new film for essentially copying this approach for their first teaser though.)

3. Flash Gordon (1980)- Trailer and Poster-

Candy colored sets bigger and bolder than anything Dario Argento ever had the balls to dream up? Check. Max Von Sydow chewing the scenery like an anorexic film major realizing he must eat to continue living? Check. Brian Blessed? Check. Music by Queen? Double Check.

“Pathetic Earthlings… Who can save you now?” Indeed!

2. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)- Trailer-

How can anything be so wrong, but oh so right all at once?

1. Meteor (1979)- Trailer-

We have the cream of the crop here. Terrible, but awesome special effects, intercut with disaster footage, zooming Superman: The Movie style title cards of actors who most definitely don’t warrant the attention and melodramatic dialog shouted at the top of people’s lungs, plus SEAN CONNERY! Also, to be of note I like to shout “It’s five miles wide and it’s definitely going to hit us!” right before I make love, every time I make love.

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