Yet again we are prepping for an episode of ’11 Questions with…’ This time it’s going to be a bonus sized edition with legendary filmmaker John Carpenter on Monday April 2nd 2012!
So, as happened before the inaugural piece with the lovely Tuesday Knight, I’ll be doing a post a day until the big unveiling!
This is a real conversation that took place between myself and my good friend (bosom buddy, if you will) Seb Talton on March 26th 2012. It is a fairly common example of things not only he and I discuss, but what I and my inner circle discuss in general.
Are we sociopaths? No.
Insane? Maybe.
A touch morbid. Yes.
Basically childish, in an inventive and exploratory way? Definitely.
Either way, I THINK most of the time we mean what we say in jest… But… Sometimes not… In this case it’s in jest, but also serious at the same time.
Also, to put this conversation in context, the boyfriend and I are going on a trip soon and I was hoping to buy Seb a plane ticket as well so he could go and visit a friend of his in the same area we’re headed to. That unfortunately didn’t pan out this time and naturally, it made him sad…
DS: To make up for the non-trip that is now not happening for you (this time anyways) I want you to defecate on my breasts, right now! (Also, don’t be sadmad at me. For it is truth that I love you and wish to bare your children.)
ST: You are a cutie, but I do not wish to make poo on your titties. And while yes, that did make me feel crying tears there were like a billion other things going on that day that made me just go “agsjfklfjkldfhsjkhdjksjhdhjk” so, don’t worry about it. No need to get pregnant over it. BESIDES, I feel MUCH better after watching The Lorax like twice in a row. I JUST REALLY LOVE THAT MOVIE!
DS: But… Tit pooping… And, I know. You know I gonna make it up to you though. I am glad that Doctor Seuss related CGItized Zac Efron voiced imagery somehow managed to make you feel halfway better though.
ST: Well… Also I found a dead squirrel on the drive home from the first showing and it’s kinda in a Ziploc bag now, in my dwelling. So that’s an upper I guess.
DS: Kind of? That’s definitely an upper. What are you going to do with it? Cause I’d LOVE to see you turn that shit into fuzzy sunglass frames.
ST: Well… to be honest… I want its skull (and possibly the rest of the skeleton just to have it and because it, y’know… would be there.) But, I’m not sure how to get it short of either A: Letting it rot. Which will take a while and cause a smell. Or, B: Just literally going in and cutting/tearing/pulling the skin and shit away from the bones. Which I’m quite sure I’ll make a mess of that I don’t want to make.
DS: B is probably the best option (squirrels are notoriously easy to skin.) OR there is a drain cleaner they sell in most places, notably Wal-Mart, that is like pure Hydrochloric Acid (I THINK, might be another.) Anyways, it says it eats through “biowaste” including: flesh, tissue and etc. RIGHT ON THE PACKAGE, so you KNOW it’s legit… You could probably make easy dispose of the outer bits that way (but it might damage the bones.) Also, there is soaking it in bleach and drying/curing options too.
ST: I’m not sure how to skin an animal though. I guess I could Google instructions… A step-by-step video on how to skin a squirrel? I’m sure the internet would have that… And, yeah, I think someone else mentioned using drain cleaner too. I wonder how much it would eat through though?…
DS: I WISH I had recorded my Dad’s friend doing it the one time. Like… He literally just popped an average old hunting knife into one little spot on the belly, gave it a twist, shoved his thumb in and pulled off all of the fur and skin in one quick swoop as if he were a redneck Pyramid Head or something. (Granted you are left with the musculature on top of the bone then… but still, STEP ONE.) WAIT! I got it… Boil it. In theory it should make everything fall right off. It’d get rid of the under bits and the musculature too.
ST: You want me to boil the road kill squirrel?
DS: Yes, desperately so. If you really want to get at the skeleton… Boil the carcass.
ST: I had better get a big pot then. If this doesn’t work I’m gonna be upset… Not at you or anything, just upset that I’ll have to wait and find another dead squirrel to try it with if it doesn’t.
DS: Granted, I have never boiled a dead animal before, I am not Glenn Close… But I don’t THINK it’s going to mess up the skeleton of course. The squirrel itself isn’t gonna be very pretty after though. Plus… It’s gonna be really gross and it will probably require a lot of draining and reboiling to get it just right… Also, I have a pot you could use. It’s currently housing MY road kill Deer Skeleton that I was gonna turn into a Texas Chainsaw Massacre style prop lamp for something, on my back porch… You’ve seen it I think.
ST: I was just going to use a cooking pot… Not sanitary, but THERE YOU GO…. Should not do that at all probably. Wait… Are you saying that after I boil it… does the skin and all just come… off?
DS: Yeah… At least I’d think so. You can use my big pot. In fact we could bring it to you JUST for the sole purpose of this endeavor. But, yeah, anyways, in theory it should all just come off. Have you ever boiled a chicken (the one dead animal I HAVE boiled I guess)? Eventually, if you boil it long enough, the skin and meat just falls right off the bone.
ST: Ok. Well… I would accept this pot gift. I just have the squirrel sitting here… But I mean, waiting a while should just make it easier, right? Albeit a bit smellier… I’ve never boiled chicken but I can kind of imagine it.
DS: You can’t KEEP the pot forever though, as I plan on using it as some sort of witches cauldron/Sleepaway Camp reference thing at some point, but, long enough of course for dead rodent boiling. When can we bring it? Probably could come this afternoon after work… Also, could get some food perhaps. This conversation made me hungry. Taco Bell maybe?
ST: Well my dad would be weirded out. Mainly just cause “Why is this giant rot iron pot here?” But rodent boiling is a necessity. However I am occupado this afternoon with stuff-n-junk, so food wouldn’t really be a thing. You could still drop off the pot though, but I’d feel bad not being able to hang out with you and such too. I COULD GIVE YOU THE SKIN FOR FILMS IF YOU WANT THOUGH. Gross.
DS: Pass. Just let me know when you are available and we’ll just do it at my place. Thy will be done. And yeah, really, good on the skin having. Thanks for the generous offer though. I’d probably end up wanting to put it on my face and act like Hannibal Lector and that would result in me never getting to make sex again.
ST: Shhhhh. Just don’t let Adam see you do it. It will be our secret special dance.
DS: But he will see because you will take pictures and show him. And or I would be filming it… Also, may I use this entire conversation for Battle Royale with Cheese? I feel this is a keeper.
ST: You may. I would be honored. Although we’re both going to come across as RAGING psychopaths.
DS: Perhaps. Translation to text does often remove the “12 year old boys poking things with a stick” aspect of such discussions. But, it will be done. It must be done.
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