Oh The House Where Evil Dwells, how do I laughingly accept your ambitiously disappointing mediocrity, let me count the ways…

First and foremost you are an Amityville Horror knock off set in a favored locale, the visually exotic and typically much more cinematically violent nation of Japan.

You open strongly, with an all slow motion, double murder and suicide, replete with Samurai, boobies and a graphic onscreen decapitation to boot.

But then, alas, you lapse… Only 3 minutes out of the shoot.

We are introduced to our protagonists and let’s just say… James Brolin and Margot Kidder they are not.

Susan George, Susan George… how poorly thee aged from Straw Dogs to here, in both physical beauty and ascent of career.

Your once lovely, oft displayed mammories are now flabby and limp, of the variety I call orangutan tits.

And your make up, good lord; I know it’s set in Japan, but Kabuki favors you much? It does not.

Edward Albert, Edward Albert, what can I say?

So very middle of the Road in When Time Ran Out, Galaxy of Terror and Midway, comparatively not much better here; despite always looking like a porn star most queer.

And the little girl who plays your daughter? Oy vay! Is she playing every line intentionally lazy or is she delivering the single most awful performance since Pia Zadora in The Lonely Lady?

Come back again briefly you do though, when the talking, giant crabs come and put on their show.

In the end however, you pretty much suck…

I still think of you fondly, even though you’re a fundamentally silly, cinematic lame duck.

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