A Conversation With Sir Alton Earl Williams & Doctor Professor Damien Sage Esq. Obgyn
By Damien Sage “and” Alton Earl Williams*
Im back! Not that anyone here was missing me of course (cept that cheeky monkey Alton.) If any of you wish to know, I have been on an extended sabbatical with Dr. Uwe Boll in the treacherous jungle wiles of Africa treating locals for cinematic poisoning; heady, time consuming stuff. But, no longer… This means more reviews, silliness and such from yours truly. Speaking of silliness and yours truly, below is the 100% totally real conversation** between Sir Alton Earl Williams and myself, which lead me to return to where I belong… Here at Battle Royale With Cheese.
Alton: So… You haven’t written anything in a while…
Damien: Yeah I know. Been busy, yknow, work… masturbating. Also, I’m often times a cunt… I really WANT to write more though.
Alton: Do you still write for us?
Damien: Just because one hasn’t used it, doesn’t mean he hasn’t losed it, right?
Alton: Seriously. Do you still write for us?
Damien: Define “still?”
Alton: Damien, you know I love you. In fact, the whole world loves you. And it is a fact, etched in marble, sent down from the very heavens above that you are the single most gifted writing talent this Universe has known since Joe Esterhas. But, really, if you don’t contribute soon I will be forced to evict you from Battle Royale With Cheese as, we are a paragon of online class and decency that doesn’t tolerate nonsensical shenanigans.
Damien: Does “failing to write a review of some hellishly obscure film, book or album no one on your site gives a rats ass about, for numerous months” count as nonsensical shenanigans? I would actually think the Essay I did on Sandra Bullock would be more like that; then you know… not doing anything at all for an extended period of time…
Alton: I’m British.
Damien: Ah. That explains everything now. Gotcha… You mean “tardiness” not “nonsensical shenanigans… Alton…
Damien: Say tardiness.
Damien: No. No. Put more emphasis on “tard” and pretend you’re Helena Bonham Carter.
Damien: Ok. I will write a new piece for the site.
Alton: Great. Any thoughts on what it will be? A film review? Political commentary? An in depth analysis of cinema’s impact on society?
Damien: I was thinking more along the lines of a short, very sarcastic, barely funny, fake conversation making fun of both myself and you, that no one, not even people who regularly view the site will understand in any way beyond cursory recognition. Then maybe something about porn dialog.
Alton: Sounds great old chap. Pip-pip cheerio!
*He had NOTHING to do with this. In fact, when he sees it, he will probably want to punch me in the face.
**Totally and utterly fabricated.
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