Well, the almighty Battle Royale With Cheese is two years old, and I thought long and hard about what I could write about that would be relevant to this momentous occasion. Robert Mann has already supplied you with the Top 50 most successful sequels of all time (Best sequel ever? Has to be ‘Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey’) and there are myriad of other birthday postings on site, last year I reviewed almost every single mainstream film that had come out in BRWC’s inaugraul annum, this year, to celebrate BRWC’s number two, I thought I’d look at other number twos in Hollywood.

Yes, those numbers twos.

Poo is taboo, nobody wants to see one, having Mena Suvari do a poo in his debut film ‘Spun’ didn’t really put Jonas Akerlund on the map as a feature film-maker. Poo has had a sad history at the box office, it cropped up in demonic form as an antagonist in Kevin Smith’s rambling though occasionally enjoyable flop ‘Dogma’, unfortunately the emergence of the Golgothan and his reign of shitty terror was stripped of all tension by a jabbering slab of exposition by Salma Hayek and defused by a spray of breath freshner from Silent Bob. Poo hadn’t really helped ‘Mallrats’ finances either, with Jason Lee’s now classic chocolate covered pretzel scene. Smith didn’t learn his lesson from either film’s takings, though it did contribute to one of the funniest moments in Kevin Smith’s box office clunker ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno’ in which Jeff Anderson’s camerman gets an unfortunte surprise on his face as one character pulls out of somewhere, ahem.

Poo was box office poison for Hollywood legend Lawrence Kasdan when he chose to adapt Stephen King’s ‘Dreamcatcher’ (Jason Lee again!), it’s hard to be terrified by a turd:

Of course poo hasn’t always been a life threatning villain, sometimes it’s just been for comedy effect, take ‘Dumb and Dumber’ for example, though there is no on screen faecal matter, it is the focus of one of the film’s finest gross-out moments in which Jeff Daniels falls victim of Jim Carrey’s laxative sabotage. Particular kudos must go to the foley artists there. The first ‘Austin Powers’ film also managed to artfully play on the notion of doing a poo in the bathroom-based fight scene in which Austin is overheard screaming; “Who does Number Two work for?” whilst trying to get information from a henchman. Of course, in the sequel Austin literally drinks shit, but that’s just nasty.

A favourite comedy turd moment has to be in ‘Airplane!’, and it comes shortly after the line; “If he finds out about this, the shit will hit the fan.” No prizes for guessing the next shot.

Meanwhile, Robin Williams manages to conjure up one of the most beautifully accurate descriptions of a life-changing poop in Terry Gilliam’s wonderful ‘The Fisher King’:

Gilliam has used everyone’s favourite by-product in other movies, including pumping Bob Hoskins’ vaccum suit full of the stuff in ‘Brazil’, having a peasant poop out of the side of his shack in ‘Jabberwocky’, there’s also some off-screen dumpage by Benicio Del Toro in ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas’.

‘Trainspotting’ has a notable turd moment when a post-night out Spud finds he’s performed a little accident in his bedsheets and when tussling with his gracious hosts manages to coat the entire family in his sloppy seconds. Danny Boyle must have a slight thing for poo, because he covers a small boy from head to toe in the stuff during one of the early scenes in Oscar winner ‘Slumdog Millionaire’.

Boyle’s film isn’t the only Oscar winning film to feature the laying of brown carpet, Kevin Costner’s lengthy ‘Dances With Wolves’ features a number of U.S. soldiers taking care of business outside their fort, also Bernardo Bertolucci’s 1987 film ‘The Last Emperor’ (which won 9 Oscars) has a scene in which a monk sniffs a bowl full of children’s poo. Though it didn’t win any of its Oscars it is ‘the world’s favourite film’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ features Tim Robbins crawling through a pipe of human excrement near its finale.

Animal turds are an all too easy sub-genre of poop in films*, and the only one I feel worth mentioning in this feature is from John Water’s ‘Pink Flamingos’, probably one of the most infamous movie poops, because it’s a real dog turd eaten on screen by Divine. And on that note, enjoy your dinner folks!

*Honorable mention though goes to Steven Spielberg’s ‘Jurassic Park’ for having Laura Dern reach into a gigantic hillock of triceratops poo.

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