Remakes, Reboots & Revisions: A Rant

16th March 2010

This is a subject I try my best to avoid, but I’m afraid I can’t turn a blind eye any longer…Remakes, Reboots, Revisions or the more groan inducing “Re-Imaginings”

More specifically the current spate of remaking every horror film from the 70’s and 80’s. (Don’t get me started on the more odious rumors of “classic” film remakes… such as Casablanca, with Madonna…) These “reboots” almost seem to be the only thing Hollywood is spending money on besides lame, unnecessary sequels and tepid romantic comedies.

95% of these remakes are soul less, artistically retarded, poorly acted, PG-13 fluff pieces that make their original (mostly) trashy, but genuine counterparts seem like Shakespeare. What’s worse is that these remakes cost about 10 times as much as the originals did to make. AND even worse still, the whole reason these remakes are undertaken is to make money off of the people who liked the originals and or draw in a new audience of willing sheep and they don’t even do that! Most remakes barely break even or lose money!

But, now you say to me “There are some good remakes, like the 80’s version of The Blob or the 70’s version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” Yeah, there are a few good remakes, those are two of them. Generally when a good remake manages to spring up they are done with love and care, not just a big budget. And most importantly they are usually heralded by a talented filmmaker who genuinely loved the original film and knows what he or she is doing behind the camera.

In the past (literally) few years we’ve gotten The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, When a Stranger Calls, The Amityville Horror, Prom Night, Assault on Precinct 13, The Last House on the Left, Halloween, Friday the 13th, The Hills Have Eyes, Carrie, Dark Water, The Ring, The Grudge, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Invasion, The Hitcher, Death Race, I Am Legend, House of Wax, The Fog, House on Haunted Hill, Willard, The Omen, The Wicker Man, The Toolbox Murders, The Stepford Wives, Sisters, Sorority Row, The Shining, The Stepfather, Rollerball, Quarantine and Pulse. And THOSE are just the remakes of horror films that have come out. AND of those only The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th and Dawn of the Dead made money (most likely because the original films already had many sequels and had been in the public conscious since created, not because they were good.)

Coming in the next few years (just to name a few) we’ve got remakes of Stephen King’s IT, The Funhouse, Monster Squad, Scanners, Escape from New York, Poltergeist, Faces of Death, The Evil Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Host, It’s Alive, Hellraiser, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Silent Night Deadly Night, Suspiria, Child’s Play, The Birds, Children of the Corn, They Live, Reanimator, Piranha, Predator, The Thing, The People Under the Stairs, Total Recall, Night of the Demons, Motel Hell, The Gate, Anguish, Shocker, Scream (?),Battle Royale!, and YET ANOTHER Invasion of the Body Snatchers (The Invasion was released little more than a YEAR ago!)

All I can say is, after I clear the vomit from my throat, is, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?

But, I’ll just give myself a tumor if I keep asking why and begging them to stop, so… I think I’m going to join them. Yep, I’ve got two remakes planned myself and here they are:

#1. Jaws. The Shark will be totally CGI and will be on screen for at least 75% of the running time. There will be no Alex Kintner death scene, as that’s far too illicit for modern audiences. Instead, his death will be replaced by a big titted Disney Channel star getting mildly scraped by the shark, bloodlessly of course. As for the main cast Colin Farrell will be playing Quint, Jason Biggs will be Matt Hooper and Ben Stiller will be Chief Brody. It will be rated PG-13 of course, have a $200 Million budget and be directed by whoever has the hottest music videos out right now.

Sound good to you? Bet it does to the studios. Here’s my second one.

#2. The Exorcist. Reagan is no longer going to be a child, but rather an 18 year old girl who has just graduated High School, most likely played by Hillary Duff. Her mother will no longer be an actress, but a middle class working mom who can barely get by, most likely played by Amy Adams. There will be no crucifix masturbation, no cursing, no peeing, no spider walking and no subliminal imagery. Also, the devil will not be referred to as “the devil” as that is also too taboo, he will be referred to as a “terrorist”. The eldest priest will be played by Richard Gere, who will end up falling in love with the mom. And the younger priest will be played by Owen Wilson. It’s actually going to be a romantic dramedy.

There we go. Now, throw cash at some hack to crap out these gems and we’ll be in business. Now, excuse me while I go hang myself.

Life is about springing forward people, even if we fall flat on our face. An original shitty film is far superior to a shitty carbon copy. Losing money on something new, can’t hurt any worse than losing money via raping a beloved film, can it?

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