Author: BRWC

  • Unintended Roger Allam Double Feature: The Woman In Black & The Iron Lady

    Unintended Roger Allam Double Feature: The Woman In Black & The Iron Lady

    Final quick succession post in preparation for my new Celebrity Interview series “11 Questions with…” Who’s debut will be TOMORROW, Monday March 5th 2012! The inaugural release is going to be Elm Street 4′s Tuesday Knight! Then we’ve got Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark Cassandra Petersen, Oscar winner Lee Grant, Master of Horror John Carpenter and many more coming soon! Be there or be square!

    Now onto the bitchy Britishness!

    On Monday February 27th 2012 I had a rare day off with little to do besides some errands, and taking care of my Grandfather (who had just had a heart attack the day before), so we decided to use our free time to just have little day out.

    First we went to price some piercings for Adam’s facial area. Then we went to the mall and walked around and looked at crap (lovely rainbow colored Hookah is still at Earthbound!) And, then after that we had a horrible sushi and bento lunch at Mura (if you live in or ever visit Raleigh and anyone tells you they serve good food punch them in the face and never listen to them again. The place looks gorgeous, but the food made me want to die.)

    Our bellies full to bursting with a bunch of crazy nasty we figured we should hit up the nearby cinema to cleanse our pallet. That, and, we hadn’t been to a “normal” theater in quite some time.
    We selected the Daniel Radcliffe starring, New-Hammer produce, remake of the obscure (but quite good) 1989 ghost film “The Woman in Black” for our viewing pleasure (as we enjoy Daniel Radcliffe, I wish to support anything bearing the name of Hammer films AND the original film is one of those movies that COULD stand for a remake, if done well.)

    …We should have picked something else.

    I wanted to comically make the review one sentence in the “Xanadon’t” vein, like “The Woman in Black? More like This Movie is Crap!” or “The Woman in Black? Should be called The Woman is Whack!” But, as that isn’t REALLY my style and it’s painfully unfunny, I will detail a little bit more about the film Adam has decided is so bad that we never actually watched it.

    Essentially the movie is 2 hours of a mopey looking Daniel Radcliffe running around a house being menaced by jump scares and music stings. There is an excessive dearth of dialog and back story. What little plot there is, is just cliché marrow scraped over bare, genre staple bones. The actors do their best, but have nothing to work with. Some of the set design is quite nice and the real physical location of the house is dreamy and far deserving of a place in a better film. Everything else is pure and utter garbage.

    Avoid the film at all costs. And, if you’re forced to watch it stick your fingers in your ears, have someone cover your eyes and just keep telling yourself “I can’t wait to see what Emma Watson’s post Harry Potter cinematic failure is going to be. I can’t wait to see what Emma Watson’s post Harry Potter cinematic failure is going to be. I can’t wait to see what Emma Watson’s post Harry Potter cinematic failure is going to be…” Until you pass out from the pain.

    Also, my beloved Roger Allam was in the film, in a throw away part, so small he barely even got to chew any scenery.

    After getting a lobotomy to remove that celluloid tumor from our collective minds we then continued on with our day off by purchasing a Nintendo 64 and Conker’s Bad Fur Day (yes, be envious.) At this moment we (OBVIOUSLY) decided “we need to go and see The Iron Lady right fucking now!” And, that we did.

    We tracked down the sole art house theater in the area showing and plopped ourselves into our seats for 2 hours of Meryl Streep playing a crazy old bitch!

    Despite her stance on the gays I’ve always been a fan of Margaret Thatcher as a politician, speaker and historical figure. I’m not much into that world, but when I do dive in, I like headstrong, intelligent, well spoken people of power, who know how to make tough decisions and will fight tooth and nail for what they believe in, whilst still lending the whole affair an air of grace, class and bitchiness. And, that IS Margaret Thatcher. She practically invented that.

    The film overall was good and compulsively watchable, if woefully inaccurate in regards to its subject matter. Phyllida Lloyd is much more at home with this sort of movie than say… Mamma Mia and Meryl Streep is much more at home with this sort of part than say… the character she played in Mamma Mia (although the movie would have been 800x better with some ABBA musical numbers.) I especially loved the scenes with dementia addled Thatcher and husband Denis (played with mischievous glee  by the always wonderful Jim Broadbent.) These moments that frame the major plot points of the film and drive it along were touching, funny and sincere (plus, Streep/Thatcher in these scenes reminded me of my grandmother to a degree and that touched my “awww bone.”)

    Meryl, as she has time and time again, throws herself into Margaret Thatcher with complete abandon, getting lost in the process (in the best of ways.) Her recent Oscar win for the role was entirely deserved in my opinion. Young, Old or in Between, Streep IS Thatcher in the film and despite the minor flaws the movie has on the whole, she carries it on her more than capable shoulders (and flawless accent) and then some.

    Also, was randomly (and pleasantly) surprised to find Roger Allam in the film. Once again in a semi-throwaway role (but a bit meatier than the part in TWIB) as one of Thatcher’s PR people. Hence the title of the article, Unintended Roger Allam Double Feature. See what I did there?

    The Woman in Black, 2 out of 10 Screaming Poorly Edited in Ghost Reflections

    The Iron Lady, 6 out 10 Moments of Real Life Drama Poorly Inserted into Bad Recreations

  • Sarah Silverman’s The Bedwetter: Stories Of Redemption, Courage & Pee

    Sarah Silverman’s The Bedwetter: Stories Of Redemption, Courage & Pee

    Build up post Number FOUR in preparation for my new Celebrity Interview series “11 Questions with…” Who’s debut will be on Monday March 5th 2012! We’ve got Elm Street 4′s Tuesday Knight, Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark Cassandra Petersen, Oscar winner Lee Grant, Master of Horror John Carpenter and many more coming soon! Be there or be square!

    Now on to the wetting of the bed!

    This will be brief, by my usual standards anyways…

    When she first hit the comedy scene in a popular sense (during her TV guest spot/Crank Yankers phase) I did not enjoy her, by her I of course mean, Sarah Silverman.

    I thought she was juvenile and crass, in a stupid way, not a witty one; and for the most part I paid her no mind. Then I saw Jesus is Magic (2005) and thawed to her a bit. It seemed like whatever initial veneer of “completely retarded” I saw in her was trying to become “completely retarded but in an intelligent way.” Then I got into her television show, The Sarah Silverman Program and fell in love. Not in a Strangers with Candy way, but close.

    I don’t know whether it’s just because the context of the show allowed her to explore her unique brand of humor to it’s fullest extent, or because the ability to have a full cast meant SHE didn’t carry the full weight of everything, but it worked and it worked very well. (And, throwing the old gay bag into things once again, I also rather liked that she had two excessively “average and normal” gay characters as apart of the universe of the show and it was no big deal. Which always scores points in my book.)

    Ms. Silverman, like Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Sam Kinison, Steve Martin, et. on down the line, uses foul language, fart jokes, abject stupidity and “offensive” racial/sexual/political humor to achieve the effect of delivering a message (usually a message in stark contrast to the joke.) And, she does this with this sort of delirious sense of naivety about her.

    This outward showing of “innocence” mixed with the scatological was part of my initial reluctance toward her. I thought it was fake. I thought she was just making fun of that sort of thing (which I kind of didn’t appreciate because at heart I’m the same way.) I throw myself into what I do with whole hearted abandon, a smile on my face and a spring in my step. And, as I learned from reading her autobiography, The Bedwetter: Stories of Redemption, Courage and Pee, so does she.

    NOW, my actual review, it is going to be a short one, compromised of two phrases and a blurb (because I find reviewing comedies of any sort incredibly difficult):

    1. If you find Sarah annoying and unfunny read the book, it’ll change your mind on both accounts.

    2. The bulk of the book is NOT as funny as the fake reviews from random children on the back of the sleeve OR the “Warning From The Publisher” on the inside, but it’s still pretty damn good.

    Overall, the novel is quite humorous (some might even wet the bed, in some places, if that’s where you happen to be reading), it’s short, it’s well paced, and if you’re a fan already you’ll gleam some poignant insight into Ms. Silverman’s life that’ll make you appreciate her work even more.

    Plus, it’s extra Jewy.

    7 out of 10 promiscuous, hairy, Jewish Princesses who wet the bed!

  • The Retrofantasma Experience

    The Retrofantasma Experience

    Quick succession post Number Three in preparation for my new Celebrity Interview series “11 Questions with…” Who’s debut will be on Monday March 5th 2012! We’ve got Elm Street 4′s Tuesday Knight, Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark Cassandra Petersen, Oscar winner Lee Grant, Master of Horror John Carpenter and many more coming soon! Be there or be square!

    Now on to the Retro!

    I am normally not one to advertise things, but in this case I must make an exception (also this article will be a bit more serious fare than I am typically known for)…

    On or about the 3rd Friday each month, for 14 years, Jim Carl Senior Director of the Historic Carolina Theater in Durham North Carolina, has hosted an event called Retrofantasma.

    At this groovily titled affair the audience is treated to a double feature of Horror/Sci-fi/Thriller films usually from the 70’s and 80’s.

    Most of the time they’ll do an “A-Film” followed by a “B-Film,” drawn together by a common “theme” of some amusing type. Case in point a few months back we had 1978’s The Eyes of Laura Mars followed by 1982’s Visiting Hours (the theme for the evening being “Oscar Winners in Peril“,) and at the most recent we had 1988’s Child’s Play followed by 1974’s It’s Alive (the theme being “The Kids are NOT Alright.”)

    Sometimes however, like at the upcoming March 23rd show we’ll get two “respectable” movies (in this case David Lynch’s Blue Velvet and Brian De Palma’s Blow Out) or two pieces of deliriously wonderful trash (April 20th look out for the batshit crazy Curtains from 1983 and the equally fucking nuts The Beast Within from 1982!)

    Before the show starts proper we’re treated to vintage Looney Tunes, ridiculous commercials, film clips from obscure movies, or various trailers. In between the two films Jim goes out of his way to make you feel like you’re at the evening’s star attractions on the opening night of their release by, first, telling us that we are in fact there on whatever date, then, by detailing us with trivia from the film’s production and preceding the picture by trailers from the time of it’s unleashing.

    The mood is usually jovial, with people shouting the occasional MST3Kesque line (myself included there; during the screening of Friday the 13th and Halloween 2 some time ago I had a lot of fun every time Dr. Loomis shouted “I shot him six times!” when in fact, due to re-filming the end of the first Halloween for the sequel, he shoots Michael Myers 7 times.)

    The prints are typically flawless (and among the last surviving of their 35mm gloriousness.) But, once and a blue moon there will be an issue with the film print (other than mild scratches and pops,) like at Silent Night Deadly Night/Black Christmas when the sound was at ear splitting, Earth shattering volume for the entire screening of the latter film, but usually not.

    Then, some nights, you get complete weirdness; like at the previously mentioned Laura Mars/Visiting Hours showing; the theater was closing up for some renovation for the season, so they sold all booze at like 50 cents a cup/bottle…

    Needless to say by the time we got to Visiting Hours everyone in the audience was rat ass drunk and laughing their brains out at the mere SIGHT of William Shatner on screen (despite his giving a typically un-Shatneerian performance in said film.) And, such as at the recent Child’s Play/It’s Alive Retro, we’ll get a couple of bad apples in the bunch (seriously some idiots about got in a fist fight during It’s Alive. I mean, who gets THAT worked up over a movie about mutant killer babies?)

    But all of that just builds up the charm of the evening. It really does feel like you step back in time for 3-4 hours. It’s as close as you can get to the Grindhouse sensation in this glossy, “perfect” day and age. It’s escapism at it’s prime for the cinema lover. Plus the Carolina Theater is a gorgeous place, Jim is a boisterous and self-effacing host and there are cheesy/chintzy door prizes handed out every time (some donated by yours truly, when the mood hits me and I have something fitting for the occasion)! AND you can bring the whole family, if of course you are a family that slays together to stay together.

    For a man like me Retrofantasma is an utterly wonderful experience and it has been one I’ve repeatedly enjoyed for more than half of my life. It is a true testament to the (sadly) dying craft of presenting films on film as they were originally intended. Retro is an evening of innocent indulgence and pure cinephilic bliss for the less serious film connoisseur.

    Visit them online anytime at http://festivals.carolinatheatre.org/retrofantasma/ or add them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/retrofantasma.

    And, if you happen to find yourself in the area the 3rd Friday of the month stop by and pony up $8. If you see me you can ask me to autograph one of my articles or nude photos or something!

  • Lady Gaga – Born This Way, A Belated Review

    Lady Gaga – Born This Way, A Belated Review

    Quick succession post Numero Dos in preparation for my new Celebrity Interview series “11 Questions with…” Who’s debut will be on Monday March 5th 2012! We’ve got Elm Street 4’s Tuesday Knight, Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark Cassandra Petersen, Oscar winner Lee Grant, Master of Horror John Carpenter and many more coming soon! Be there or be square!

    Now, on to the review at hand!

    Back on August 15th 2010 I posted a glowing review of Lady Gaga’s The Fame for the 2nd Anniversary of BRWC, shortly before that I had become a big fan of her work. A “monster” if you will…

    When Born This Way, her second full length album (after the excellent, but too short, mini follow-up The Fame Monster,) was unleashed on May 23rd 2011 I very nearly turned in my paws…

    I DESPISED the first single and it’s accompanying video, the title track “Born this Way.” And I thought the album artwork was garbage. As first impressions go it was a big “meh” for me and I brushed the whole thing off for a while, moving onto more pressing, modern, musical things (like Frankmusik, My Chemical Romance and The Scissor Sisters.)

    Anyways, after having Born this Way the song, blasted directly into my brain on seemingly continuous loop on the radio, it slowly began to bore it’s way into my subconscious. By which I mean I started making up little parodies of it in my head such as “I Watch Porn That’s Gay” or “I Eat Corn This Way.” This of course caused my hatred to turn to tolerance and eventually my tolerance turned to “BLAH! I like this!” (Even though the song and SEVERAL others from the album on the whole are BLATANT rip-off’s of Madonna’s Express Yourself. Much more so than has already been made of the subject.) I still hate the cinema-film that goes with it though…

    The video is Lady Gaga at her worst, I’ve only been able to sit through it entirely in one sitting, once, (for this review in fact.) It is pretentious, atypically (for her) humorless, overblown, needlessly weird and completely lacking in any sort of structure or point. AND for a music that features unicorns made of glitter, scores of half naked dancers and a fairly explicit birthing of her own self in outer space it’s pretty boring to boot.

    In short, the Born This Way video is the sort of thing that would confirm to anyone who already disliked her that everything they think about her is true. (And don’t fuss at me for dwelling on the music videos in a review of the album, Gaga has gone out of her way to connect the image to the music, so… only she’s to blame.)

    Then “Judas” came out… and I liked the song right away, hated the video less (but still found it a charisma void and a surplus of pointlessly “artsy” mess.) It seemed, at least musically Gaga had returned to a more Gaga like form.

    Edge of Glory” was next as a single, didn’t like the song to begin with, but then it grew on me and I came to love it (the video is the dullest thing Gaga has ever done though.) “You and I” followed suit and I loved the song immediately, but despised the video again. Then “Marry the Night” came and it was the first single from the album for me to both adore the song and video on a Poker Face level…

    So far, before even purchasing the album it had been a roller coaster for me, vacillating between hesitant but fawning admiration and abject hatred. Strange, as after my original reticence toward her in her early days I had since embraced whole hearted everything she’d released since, audio or visual.

    Had Gaga lost her touch I began to wonder?

    To a degree, yes. But, not as much as I had feared just from first impressions…

    Once I bought the album I had a better idea of what was going on… Gaga is trying to change and grow as an artist (and that’s wonderful and totally necessary to remain relevant and productive) but some things just don’t suit her (as much as she’d love to be and or wear everything and the kitchen sink.)

    The Album smartly opens with Marry the Night. A glorious audio homage to Gaga’s home town of New York and at the same time a blistering, pulse pounding, modernization of the stuff Donna Summer and Giorgio Moroder were doing around 1979. Lyrically Marry the Night is a straightforward “night out on the town” anthem. The words, music and delivery are guaranteed (at least for the more club inclined) to get the feet tapping and fists pumping. And, special mention goes to the bridge (Gaga always burns bridges better than anyone in the business) which really does (as cheesy as it sounds) send the heart soaring. Video was good too, I’d love to audition Gaga for a part in a film.

    Track 2 is Born This Way. I’ve already kind of said enough about it, but will go a little further. It’s not a bad song, I’ve heard much worse, but it’s too much Madonna, not enough Gaga. We don’t need another material girl, one is more than enough. And, I don’t like it when Gaga “supports the gays” she loves so much with her lesser efforts (the video for Alejandro comes to mind also.) Still, despite all that, it’s a decent enough listen.

    Government Hooker is next and it’s a fairly weak track, despite every (desperate) effort on her part. The song musically tries to blend together Opera, Techno and her typical Pop Theatrics to middling results. It’s too much of everything, but not enough of anything. Once again, I’ve heard worse though, but filler 3 tracks into an album is not a good sign.

    Fortunately, the lesser song is followed by one of the best on the album, Judas. This song finds Gaga very much in familiar territory. It’s the most “Gaga-like” song on Born This Way. Musically it’s sure to appeal to those who like to shake their asses out on the dance floor (although it stands, as she often does, heads and shoulders above her contemporaries in the genre in terms of execution and production value.) And lyrically it tells a sordid love story/menage-a-troi with Mary Magdalene subtext that appeals to Gaga’s artsy aspirations without being overkill. Special notice once again goes to the wonderful bridge.

    Americano is next on the playlist and it is quite good. A decent example of throwing far too much into a song and somehow making it work. We have a decidedly latin vibe, with rhythmic chanting, orchestral background work, electro-disco beats and POPera theatricality. It shouldn’t work, but it does. Lyrically it tells a similar story to Judas, but without the biblical subtext. It also works, but it’s slightly a retread. Still, very enjoyable on it’s own.

    The most fun to be found on the album is next and it is Hair. The song is the closest Gaga has come to making her own “80’s” song. It has a decidedly Belinda Carlisle vibe. Lyrically the song is essentially a teenage diary type tale about how Gaga expresses her craziness, her freedom, her uniqueness, etc. through her excessively over the top hair styles. Musically the song goes back and forth between robotic, techno-rock and pure, retro, pop. I didn’t like the song originally, but after a few listens came to love it. I like it when Gaga takes a serious, but silly, look inside and let’s us see the real her a little and she does that amiably here.

    Schiebe (German for shit) follows, and as much as I’d like to use it to segue into a Xanadu-esque one word negative review, I cannot. Another dance floor, club thumper and a pretty good one at that. Nothing new is going on here, in fact this is one of the numerous “too much like Madonna” songs on the album, but I can’t bring myself to dislike it.

    We have Bloody Mary next and I immensely dislike it. The song’s droning music almost puts me to sleep when I listen to it. The lyrics and delivery of said lyrics is pretentious and atonal. Seems like the song was just chucked on here as filler. Skip it.

    Black Jesus- Amen Fashion follows, and it’s another one I can’t stand. It’s musically similar to the previous track, a bit less droning, but that’s the only compliment I can shove it’s way. Once again it appears to be another Madonna variant, with shades of Express Yourself (again) echoing throughout. Filler, filler, filler.

    Gaga goes for a little bit of a harder vibe on the next track, Bad Kids. Lyrically the song is really funny and self deprecating, but the humor is lost in the delivery and piss poor music. A mixed bag. I listen it to it for the words, but tune it out for the rest.

    Fashion of His Love is next and it is another blatant copy of Express Yourself/Madonna (did Gaga just have the song on loop as she recorded this album?) The track isn’t that bad though. It strikes me as something Paula Abdul would have put on Forever Your Girl (coming from me that’s a compliment) but it’s nothing amazing. Essentially I’d enjoy the song more if it didn’t sound exactly like Express Yourself.

    We come back up out of filler hell for a bit with my personal favorite song on the album, Highway Unicorn (Road to Love.) This song finds Gaga in a middle ground between her “new” (retro) sound of Marry the Night and the more typical (Bad Romance, Poker Face) Lady Gaga sound. The music is great to dance to and the words are melodic, uplifting and semi-nonsensical, but also anthemic, in a very. If Lita Ford was a lesbian and she did a pop song about being a lesbian, this would be it. And, once again, great bridge.

    Heavy Metal Lover comes next and it’s one of the more different tracks in Gaga’s canon. It’s very Eurotrash. Grace Jones would have released it in 1987 if she’d had access to a time machine (being Grace Jones she of course did, but used it for much better purposes.) That’s not necessarily a compliment though, because Gaga OFTEN seems like she’s raping Grace’s legacy (more often visually though.) The song is OK, just that, nothing more.

    Another very different (for Gaga) track is next, Electric Chapel. It opens with some blistering guitar work and sounds almost as if we’ve lapsed into Hysteria era Def Leppard until the dance beat starts. I love the song, it’s a wonderful track and it lyrically fits in with the strangely religious theme that runs throughout the album. Music wise, frankly, I’d love to hear Gaga do a full on Pat Benataresque rock song sometime, because the little “heavy metal” we get here is pretty awesome for a Pop Princess such as she is.

    The Queen is next and it’s sorta-kinda another filler track. It has kind of a Coldplay vibe to it. The music is decent and the lyrics aren’t bad, and I really feel like I SHOULD like it, but I don’t for the most part. It just doesn’t mesh together on the whole, there’s just something off about it. Maybe because it’s one of those songs where it feels like there are too many lyrics in not enough space (10 pounds of shit in a 5 pounds box, if you will.) And, no matter how much I listen to it, it leaves no real impression.

    We move back into amazing territory to close out the album thankfully. The next to last track is You and I, a searing, southern fried, pop/rock concoction, similar to my favorite Lady Gaga song, Speechless (from The Fame Monster.) It’s a wonderful showcase for Gaga’s versatility as both a writer and singer. The music is pitch perfect to the lyrics and the lyrics are poignant and personal, but at the same time funny and uplifting. Also of note, vocally Gaga has rarely been in finer form and it really shows off her impressive range as a singer.

    For the finale we have The Edge of Glory, a song as mentioned earlier, I originally disliked but grew to love. Music wise we’re back in “new-retro” territory as it sounds almost as if Gaga was channeling her inner (modernized and slicker) Pointer Sisters, or maybe Rhythm Nation era Janet Jackson. Lyrically Edge of Glory is a deliriously innocent and fanciful love story anthem. She probably couldn’t have picked a better song (pair of songs) to close the album with, as it definitely leaves you with a good taste in your mouth for her sugary pop confections.

    Individual Rating:

    Marry the Night- 10 out 10

    Born this Way- 7 out of 10

    Government Hooker- 2 out of 10

    Judas- 8 out of 10

    Americano- 6 out of 10

    Hair- 7 out of 10

    Schiebe- 5 out 10

    Bloody Mary- 1 out of 10

    Black Jesus- Amen Fashion- 2 out of 10

    Bad Kids- 4 out of 10

    Fashion of His Love- 5 out of 10

    Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)- 9 out of 10

    Heavy Metal Lover- 5 out of 10

    Electric Chapel- 7 out of 10

    The Queen- 4 out of 10

    You and I- 8 out of 10

    The Edge of Glory- 8 out 10

    Overall Rating:

    7 out of 10 Bedazzled Leather Jackets in the Mental Ward

    Overall Review:

    A deeply flawed but mostly enjoyable power pop album that could have been judiciously trimmed of some excess fat. Gaga needs to do something spectacular on her next release if she want’s to keep me jonesing for a ride on her disco stick.

     

  • I’m Back! News! And, My Top 10 Favorite Film Promos of All Time

    I’m Back! News! And, My Top 10 Favorite Film Promos of All Time

    Before we get to the bulk of this feature I just want to say that… I’m back! (I know you all missed me so much didn’t you?) Oh, and Happy Leap Year!

    The last thing I did was my little ode to Jamie Lee Curtis back in September of last year (take the time to go back and read it. It’s worth it I promise.)

    I’ve been off writing a couple scripts and gearing up to make them, 1. for my 80’s horror/comedy homage SOMETHING and 2. for a serious rape/revenge thriller called Crime Against Nature (both of which I will keep you all updated on, with exclusives, as we slowly trot them out piece by piece.)

    AND, in news more pertinent to BRWC, I have also been scratching and clawing and stalking out some celebrity interviews for a new feature I’m going to be doing called “11 Questions With…

    I’ve got exclusive interviews with Elm Street 4 star Tuesday Knight, Action Queen Sybil Danning, Elvira Mistress of the Dark herself Cassandra Petersen, Oscar Winner Lee Grant and Master of Horror John Carpenter coming soon (among many others!) So, stay tuned for that!

    In honor of the new feature I’m going to do a post a day, until Monday, leading up to the inaugural episode of “11 Questions with…

    Starting with this…

    Trailers and Tag Lines are a very special subject for me; I love them. Like, get down on one knee and propose to them love them. Well, that is if they’re of a certain type…

    For me to want to bare it’s children the marketing of a film must be exceptionally cheesy, ludicrous, lurid, salacious, mismatched or over the top. Take for example the poster and tagline for the Joan Collins’ soft-core porn, trash epic (based on her sister Jackie’s best selling novel of the same name) The Bitch:

    You see here we have Joan Collins in lingerie, a captains hat and a fur coat, nothing else but that and the simple, truthful and effective tag line “Joan Collins as The Bitch.” (We all know of course, that, surely “as” was a typo for “is.”) THAT is what I’m talking about. The more the movie associated with the panty moistening promotional material sucks, the more I’ll want to see it.

    I own the poster for Chuck Norris’s 2nd best film, 1982’s Silent Rage not because I love the movie (because I do) or because the poster is exceptionally decent (it’s not) but because of the tag line “Science Created Him, Now Chuck Norris Must Destroy Him.”

    Here is the italian poster for the (dull as dishwater) 1977 killer house cat, anthology film The Uncanny

    Seriously there is not one thing in the film even remotely like that! That’s the poster for “Pantherman: The Bodice Ripper of Venice” not “Donald Pleasance and various other respected british actors are ‘menaced’ by poorly prodded house cats and bad over dubbing.”

    We just don’t get shit like that anymore! The closest we’ve come in recent years was the promo stuff for the 2005 crapfest The Cave, who’s tag line was about 500 times more awesome the film… “Below heaven there is hell… Below hell there is… The Cave.” You can practically hear the deep voiced narrator reading it as deep synthesizer blares punctuate the mess at proper times.

    That is what makes me want to bend over and take it from a trailer, poster or tagline… And that is what the following list is made of.

    10. Blood Beach (1980)- Poster and Tagline-
    The tagline (A play on the infamous tagline from Jaws 2) “The five people thought to have drowned here never even made it past the sand! BLOOD BEACH Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… you can’t get to it.”

    9. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)- Trailer and Poster-

    How is it such a horrible movie came up with not only a great trailer, but one of the greatest poster ever made?

    8. Chained Heat (1983)- Trailer-

    Seriously, the trailer alone has more breasts in it than a KFC next door to a strip joint! And that tagline! I’m starting to get the vapors!

    7. Jaws III (1983)- Trailer-

    One of the simplest, cheapest trailers in the history of trailers, but it never fails to get me rock hard!

    6. When Time Ran Out (1980)- Poster and Tagline-

    1. Jacqueline Bisset’s breasts.
    2. The tagline makes no sense within the context of the film.

    5. The Swarm (1978)- Trailer and Tagline-

    Irwin Allen really knew his shit didn’t he? The cast! “Enough stars for 12 movies!” The bees! (Yes, they blow up a nuclear power plant.) Michael Caine! And, my beloved, nonsensical tagline… “It is more than speculation… it is a prediction.”

    4. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)- Teaser Trailer-

    The most respectable entry on my list, but still, one of the most deliriously, pretentiously over the top bits of promotion to ever come from Hollywood. Who blew who to get Orson Welles to narrate this thing? (Kudos to the new film for essentially copying this approach for their first teaser though.)

    3. Flash Gordon (1980)- Trailer and Poster-

    Candy colored sets bigger and bolder than anything Dario Argento ever had the balls to dream up? Check. Max Von Sydow chewing the scenery like an anorexic film major realizing he must eat to continue living? Check. Brian Blessed? Check. Music by Queen? Double Check.

    “Pathetic Earthlings… Who can save you now?” Indeed!

    2. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)- Trailer-

    How can anything be so wrong, but oh so right all at once?

    1. Meteor (1979)- Trailer-

    We have the cream of the crop here. Terrible, but awesome special effects, intercut with disaster footage, zooming Superman: The Movie style title cards of actors who most definitely don’t warrant the attention and melodramatic dialog shouted at the top of people’s lungs, plus SEAN CONNERY! Also, to be of note I like to shout “It’s five miles wide and it’s definitely going to hit us!” right before I make love, every time I make love.