Silver Stars On Red Velvet: Review.
Offensive, pathetic, ridiculous, misogynistic, morally repugnant trash. That is how I would describe RJ Cusyk’s fourth and hopefully final feature “Silver Stars on Red Velvet”. When watching it, I couldn’t believe that it was real; it was like I was in a bad dream where not being able to wake up was a running joke. This mess of a film is about the impossible to like Alexander De Toth (Max Caudell), a photographer pretending to date porn star Madelyne Jones (Laura Sharlotte) to make his ex-girlfriend jealous.
Together they witness what appears to be a hit and run that results in a death, but soon come to realise they’re dealing with a serial killer murdering adult film actresses. From there, we meet a perverted detective, whom the characters frequently decide to contact directly rather than calling 911, and they film pornography, I don’t know why, but they do, multiple times. Because that is clearly the smartest course of action when dealing with a serial killer targeting sex workers, right?
There is nothing remotely likeable about this film, a feat I thought was impossible. No matter how much I try, I cannot think of one nice thing to say. So, with that in mind, I’ll start with the script. Silver Stars on Red Velvet has such an idiotic script the fact that a human being made a movie out of it is amazing. From its outrageously cruel depiction of the adult film industry to its moronic characters, who never seem to care about what’s happening, this script is one of the worst I have ever seen brought to life. Every character is unlikeable because of how poorly they are written.
The two leads care more about sex than the killer killing people they know, Detective Castillo (Joseph Calverase) has far more interest in the pornographic models than investigating the murders, and there are simply no words to describe Dick Stilettos (Michael Lakota Dillon), a pornographic film director who verbally abuses everyone who works for him. The only thing I will say about him is that he has no place in any film ever made or made in future, he’s a disgrace.
The acting isn’t any better. These characters are all too aware of the camera in front of them. This film has an estimated budget of USD 6000, which is about as low as it goes, and it still can’t use that as an excuse for how bad the performances are. Caudell and Sharlotte make one of the least believable pairs I have ever seen, and Dillon flubs lines while the movie plays on as if nothing happened. Also, there is at least one moment where the wrong actress dubs a character’s lines, how does that even happen? I would love to write that these performers were humorous in their failure, but when all the jokes are so crude and so poorly delivered, it is impossible to see the humour.
The Tagline of the film on IMDB reads: “A Film so Offensive 23 Actors Refused to Be a Part of It”, sounds an awful lot like bragging to me. Cusyk seems to think he made something profoundly edgy and proudly extends his foot over the line of what is generally acceptable. Yet, the finished product is so far from edgy it’s not funny. Instead, Silver Stars on Red Velvet is no more or less than a cinematic crime worthy only of being forgotten.
On his end of the camera, Cusyk is about as inventive as a hamburger phone. The grainy camera effect adds nothing, and some shots and cuts place actors in the entirely wrong positions as if they missed their cues. I understand that time constraints would have played a significant role in all of this, but I can’t bring myself to grant it any modicum of forgiveness. The movie plays like he was trying to force his way to a movie as hilariously bad as “The Room”, completely ignoring the ignorant charm that makes The Room so loveable.
I don’t have much to say on it, but I can’t write this review without mentioning the sound work, it’s terrible. To quickly sum it up I’ll say, the music mixed into certain sequences is so loud it drowns out the actors, and at various points throughout dialogue is dubbed so awfully it is out of sync with their lips. Also, the music feels as if it’s from an entirely different movie; it shares no relationship with the context of this film and fails even almost to match the tone.
Finally, I have thought of something nice to say. There is a certain contentment that comes from wasting 70 minutes on Silver Stars on Red Velvet. I think it’s because I am so sure I have seen the worst film of 2019. Heck, by comparison, I am more than ready for a double feature of Hellboy into The Hustle. Needless to say, despite my newfound contentment, don’t see this movie, even if it’s free, don’t see this movie. Not that anyone would ever screen it anyways.
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