By Peter “Pops” Killip.
Christ, this stinker hasn’t aged well. As far as prophetic opening gambits go, it’s a corker. The Warner Brothers logo morphing into a frozen Bat symbol then smashed into pieces. Speaks volumes for what follows. We’re greeted with way too close close ups of the Dynamic Duo’s rubber clad arses as they throw on their fetish tastic attire just before Robin (Chris O’donnell) starts whinging about wanting a car or something, the opening credits haven’t even finished yet and I already want to kick start his head.
Alfred watching the two trussed up fucks exit the cave in their respective day-glo nightmare vehicles, he looks like he’s about to start weeping. He’s not even seen the bit where George Clooney (as Batman obviously) skates down a dinosaur neck and dropkicks Arnie yet. Next up to help in the coffin sealing of the Bat Franchise comes Alicia Silverstone as Alfred’s never before mentioned niece, fresh from a term at “Oxbridge” University and seemingly hiding a dark secret.
Ah, she takes part in illegal street races at night. Christ, not like she’s turning tricks for bags of brown or anything. Uma Thurman, still riding the “Pulp Fiction” wave at the time, emerges from a venom soaked grave to christen herself “Poison Ivy” and making her official introduction via a dance which I think is attempting to do for Gorilla suit based bestiality what Salma Hayek’s “From Dusk Til Dawn” dance did for toes and tequila but falls woefully short. It does however succeed in turning a beloved siren of the comic world into someone who keeps going on about her “honey pot” and how her “garden needs tending” and has the effect of seeing some slag in hen night gear outside The Printworks eating pizza while taking a piss. Horrible.
I’m stopping watching this now, Batman & Robin, in a race to outbid each other at a charity auction with Ivy being the chosen lot. Batman just whipped out his “Gothcard” to make payment, god knows where he’s looking to swipe the fucker. This is , all in all, a bloody mess, badly cast, badly written, badly directed and this horrible need to destroy all the work that Tim Burton and Co put in previously. What really kicks for me is the “Too many cooks” approach to character choices, 3 villains and 3 heroes (they’d have thrown in a bloody bat dog if they had the chance, fucks.) and counting, even Alfred mentions at the close of the film that they’re “Going to need a bigger cave”. Mate, if I were You, I’d brick up that fucking entrance while they’re down there next.
Dogshit.
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